A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!" ______________________
2011 Full Fat RR 4.4 TDV8
2012 FL2 SD4 Auto HSE
2013 Kawasaki Versys 650

Very good CG  Gone - TD4 XS Auto, Sumatra Black, Mud flaps and side strips, clear indicators, private plate, privacy glass

Something I came across today........

An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client
Addendum from The Editor:
IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old woman. At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

One for C.G....


A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.' Hi Darling, I'll be home in 10 mins. If I'm not back, please read this message again...

There's this guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He sits there, staring at his drink like that for over an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him, takes the guy's drink from the bar, and knocks it back in one.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink... I just can't stand to see a grown man crying."

"No, it's not that" he replied, "Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, completely without warning, fired me. When I left the building, I got to the car-park only to find my car had been stolen. The police, they said that with no CCTV, there's nothing they can do. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my bloody poison ..."

Bill Turner Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

Two blondes driving to Disneyland see a road sign - Disneyland Left - so they went home.

Bill Turner Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

A man haven't paid taxes for a long time, always finding ways to fool the IRS.
One day he receives a summon to go to IRS office for giving explanations on taxes.
Panicked he goes to a friend who had the same problems to ask for advice.
His friend says: "All I can tell you is to dress really bad, go with torn clothes, without shoes, dirty and unshaven, so the people there are going to take pity on you and leave you in peace"
Dissatisfied with the advice and man goes to a lawyer who advises him:
"The important thing is to leave the impression of strength and safety. Rent a limo, a tuxedo, a gold Rolex watch and go. It'll make them fear you and leave you in peace"
Also unhappy, the decides to go to the priest and tells him everything:
"Father, my friend told me to dress badly, the lawyer getting dressed luxury and I do not know who to listen..."
The priest thinks a moment and says,
"Son, I tell you a little story that will enlighten you.
It was once a young girl that wanted to be married.
Not knowing how to dress on their wedding night, she went and asked her mother's advice.
That said, my girl, dress up your grandmother's old dress, the black, long and close up to the neck, put a scarf on the head and so he will see only your face.
Dissatisfied, the girl asked for help her best friend, who said:
Dress up with a sexy lingerie, perfume yourself, buy yourself a super short dress and everything will be fine.
So son, tells the priest, I think my story will be of great help."
Puzzled, the man asks: "Well, father, I do not understand what have all this to do with my problem. Can you be a little more clear?".
"Son, no matter how you dress, they will you anyway!"

My missus says I'm immature, and we should set aside a day so that we can talk... Like that's gonna happen in the middle of conker season!

My missus says I'm immature, and we should set aside a day so that we can talk... Like that's gonna happen in the middle of conker season!

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be
happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie.........

Q: What is love?
A: The life's light.
Q: What is mariage?
A: The electricity bill.

Hypnotism at The Care Home

It was entertainment night at the Care Home.


Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces..........................

'S**T!' said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Care Home.

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who, like most Scotsmen, was very interested in making a few bob where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..


"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Bill Turner.
_________________ Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Should'nt that be "Repent! Repent! And sin no more!"  2007 Freelander 2 HSE TD4 Manual with Premium Pack & Moonroof.
Stornoway Grey with Ebony Black Pleather, Clear Indicators, Body Side Mouldings etc.