Apologies for capitals but hey, that's cut and paste for ya!

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO ...

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ,

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO ..'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.'

SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ,
'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.'

NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO FL2 TD4 XS Santorini

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day and said, 'Alastair , I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well', said Brown, 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, Oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside.......... 'Right PM' said Darling.

A few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off.

Eventually they arrived in a quiet little village and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood please' said Brown

'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is, coming up'

Brown and Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet.

Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook.
He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling and afterwards, people of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' said Darling, -- 'Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that? -- Is it an old country custom?

'Good Lord, no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes' FL2 TD4 XS Santorini

I guy had a parrot which talked very dirty a lot. Each two words, three were obscene.
The guy doesn't know anymore what to do.
He tried everything: relaxing music, talking to him nicely. Worse!
He tried to starve the bird, no water, etc. No results.
One day, desperately, he thrown the parrot into the fridge.
For a few moments he heard from inside a lot of curses, swears, insults, banging sounds then suddenly all quiet.
The guy, feeling remorse and beeing afraid that he killed the bird, opens the fridge's door.
The parot walks out quietly and says:
- I am so sorry that I offended you with my language and my behaviour and I am asking for your forgivnes. I know that I was wrong and I will try to straighten up.
The guy was perplexed by this and wanted to ask the parrot what was the fact that causes this sudden change of behaviour when the parrot continues:
- Could I ask what has the chicken done?

THIS is creepy!

Think of a letter between
A and W .

Repeat it
Out loud as
You scroll down.


Keep going . . .
Don't stop .. ..



Think of an
Animal
That begins
With that letter.



Repeat it
Out loud
As you
Scroll down




Think of

Either a man's/woman's
Name
That
Begins
With the
Last letter
In the
Animals name




Almost
There.........




Now
Count out
The letters
In that name
On the fingers
Of the hand
You are not
Using to
Scroll down.




Take the
Hand you
FIRST counted with
And hold it out
In front of you
At face level






Look at your Palm
Very closely
And
Notice
The
Lines
In
Your
Hand




Do the lines
Take the
Form of the
First letter
In the
Persons name?!
*
*
*

*
*
*


Of course not.....

Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack yourself on the head, get a life, And Quit playing Stupid games on what is supposed to be a serious forum !!!!! FL2 TD4 XS Santorini

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is indeed brown … except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go to see the Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown …. with the exception of the ole twig and berries; they remain purple.

He says: "My wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellow dicked toad!" FL2 TD4 XS Santorini

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.


Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.


As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.


Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'


Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'


He answers...





..... "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to yourself when I tell you the price!" ______________________
2011 Full Fat RR 4.4 TDV8
2012 FL2 SD4 Auto HSE
2013 Kawasaki Versys 650

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
.................

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."

It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.
...................


A Northern Territories (Oz) farm hand, radios back to the farm manager.


'Boss, I got one helluva problem here... I hit a ruddy pig with the truck. The pig seems OK, but he's stuck in the roo-bars on the front and is wriggling and squealing so blady much, ah can't get 'im out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ...303 Rifle behind the seat in the rack, take it, shoot the pig and you'll be able to remove it.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the gun, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'So what's the problem na mate?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike....it's stuck under the wheel arch and the bloody blue light won't stop flashing..'

'.........................................ullo - you still there Boss? FL2 TD4 XS Santorini

A fella says to his wife "get ya self ready me, you and the dog are going fishing"
Five minutes later the wife says she doesn't want to go fishing, he then gives her a choice-Fishing, Blowjob or up the Arse, "Blowjob" she says.
After awhile she says your d k tastes of s t, he says "I know, the dogs not coming fishing either"

A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each other on a long flight to Leeds .
The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshire men are all 'cloth cap and clogs' and that he can fool them easily...

So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun game.
The Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'
As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?'
The Yorkshireman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Yorkshireman's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500. The Yorkshireman pockets the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.

The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the
Yorkshireman up and asks, 'Well! What the hell does goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?'

The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Yorkshiremen; we only talk different.

A very beautiful girl is working for some time now on a bawdy-house without her relatives to know about it.
One day the police came and took all the girls outside in the street and line them up for questioning.
In the same time, the girl's grandmother was passing by and saw her grand-daughter.
She came to her and ask what is she doing there in the line.
"Nothing" she replies, "just waiting in line to buy some oranges."
"I will wait with you" says the grany. "I didn't eat oranges for quite some time".
A few moments later, the policemen is in front of the grany.
He couldn't belive his eyes and ask the old woman:
"Madam, at your age!!! You still can??"
And the grany replies:
"Yes! I took my denture out and suck them!"

Found this whilst reading another forum and how this guy flushed his Mustang

Quote:

My car was idling like crap the other day so I figured since I just got it, it may have been awhile since anyone changed the oil out. I decided to go ahead and change the oil. I used Mobile 1 synthentic oil like I was reccomended on here. Anyways, I drain out the oil and noticed it was extremely dark and even after 10 minutes it was still coming out. I decided to go ahead and flush it to make sure all the bad stuff got out. I hooked up the hose, ran water through the engine, started it up and was waiting for the water to come out clean (The engine never went above idle so I was told this would be ok). Anyways, About 3 minutes into this, then engine starts shaking and shuts off. I figured it was all cleaned out so I plugged it up, added the oil and figured I was ready to go. WRONG! The car won't freaking start now. This car has been nothing but trouble for me, I think I am done with it.

What a numpty! Red Neck? RRS 2.7 TDV6 HSE Zambezi silver, Alpaca, Privicy Glass, Sun roof, PTI, Tasmod's sills, DVD for the offspring, Sex on wheels! RRSPORT.CO.UK sticker on back window! S/C grill & Vents, Front & Rear Lamp Guards, Driving lamps and mud in places you wouldn't believe!
D3 for the wife - No extras! (she has to earn them!)

I like Boobies!!!!

A Farmer named CG.
A farmer, named CG, was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Wales when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

CG looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook computer, connects it to his iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his iPhone and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his Hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says CG.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then CG says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Government Minister", says CG. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than I am; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.. .... Now give me back my dog. At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

That must be a farming joke  2007 Freelander 2 HSE TD4 Manual with Premium Pack & Moonroof.
Stornoway Grey with Ebony Black Pleather, Clear Indicators, Body Side Mouldings etc.

just found this pic on the net hilarious



who would own a car like that  At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race