Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently taps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The Officer asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the Officer is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night
in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 19, sir.'

The Officer asks: 'And her, what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 16 in 11 minutes' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Boy meets girl in noisy night club.

He says "What do you do for a living?"

She says "I'm a pharmacist".

He says "Do you have to get up early in the morning to milk the cows?


Sorry; coat, door, gone.


J

Took me a moment to get that one.

Dreadful!  Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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The Best Camera money can buy.


The Pope was having a shower.

Although hes very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

Hold on a minute! said the Pope, You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!

This is my lottery win, said the photographer. Ill be financially secure for life with these photos!

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of £2 million.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, £2 million...

TWO MILLION Pounds! replied the housekeeper. They must have seen you coming! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Returning home.

Returning home a day early from an out-of-town business trip, a man caught a taxi from the airport shortly after midnight. During the cab journey, he confided to the driver that he thought his wife was having an affair. As they pulled up outside his house, the businessman asked the driver: Would you come inside with me and be a witness?
The driver agreed, and they both crept into the bedroom. The man then turned on the lights, pulled the blanket back and, sure enough, his wife was naked in bed with another man.
In a jealous rage, the businessman pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot his wife's lover. Don't do it, she pleaded. This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the new car I bought you for your birthday? Who do you think paid for our new boat? Who do you think paid for the deposit on this house? He did!
His mind in turmoil, the husband looked over at the cab driver and asked: What would you do in a case like this?
The cabbie said: I think I'd cover him up before he catches cold. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Saufen ist einfach Männersache
(Drinking is just a man thing)

 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Two statues, a naked man and a naked woman, had stood looking longingly at each other in a forgotten corner of a city park where they had been for a hundred years when the voice of the statue god boomed out and said that as a reward for being there so long he would make them come alive for the day where they could do anything they wanted.

At this they both grinned and jumped down from the plinth and ran off into the bushes. Soon there was a lot of rustling from the branches and then some giggling, grunting and groaning and after a while the pair came out of the bushes grinning from ear to ear and looking very satisfied.

Then the naked lady said to the naked man, let's do it again, but this time you hold the pigeon while I poop on it's head.


J

The Bunny and the Snake.

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny,

"I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake.

"Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out >what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no ears, no backbone and no balls.

I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management". Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Lion Tamer


A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, then sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there." Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Lost wife


A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket, can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with a body like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!" Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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The amazing Italian


A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings

The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be" Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 75-25% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private first class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion.

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure".

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them". Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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An Aussie named Bazza wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain', and he hands Bazza a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Shazza, invites him over to meet her parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Shazza stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. '

No problem,' he says. And in they go. Bazza is shocked.

Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Bazza decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Shazza. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and takes her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too. Bazza grabs mum, bends her over the table, pulls down her knickers, and turns her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Bazza sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & mum is beaming from ear to ear.

But still....Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain..

Bazza remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket..

Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the dishes!!'. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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