With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at this moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed.
Larry Laprise the man who wrote “the Hockey Cokey”, died peacefully aged 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in ......... and then the trouble started! Every time I learn something new,something old gets pushed out of my brain?

Dreadful!  Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A young lad got a job as an apprentice undertaker and after a weeks training he was given his first job to do unsupervised which was to screw the lid on to a coffin ready for the funeral.

It took him all morning and when he reported back to the undertaker he wanted to know why it took so long. The lad expalined that it was not easy as the dead man in the coffin died with a hard on and every time he tried to put the lid on it sprang up making it difficult to get it level.

The undertaker asked the lad how he finally got the lid on and the lad told him that he drilled a hole in the coffin lid and lowered it over the man's knob. The undertaker went bananas and said that he can't be buried with his knob sticking out. The lad said he had thought of that so he cut it off and sanded it flush so everyone would think it's a knot in the wood!

J

Great songs from the 1960's...updated for our age!

Remember these?........oldies for us oldies..... for those of us who can remember doing the 'LIMBO' as if it were yesteryear...er...yesterday...enjoy.

1. On the Commode again. Willie Nelson.

2. I am woman; hear me snore. Helen Reddy.

3. It's my procedure and I'll cry if I want to. Leslie Gore.

4. Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling, if you hear me Fall. Tony Orlando.

5. Papa's got a kidney stone. The Temptations.

6. Denture Queen. Abba.

7. You make me Feel like Napping. Leo Sayer.

8. Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom. The Commodores.

9. A whiter Shade of Hair. Procol Harem.

10. Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver. Paul Simon.

11. The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face. Roberta Flack.

12. I Can't See Clearly Now. Johnny Cash.

13. How Can You Mend a Broken Hip? The Bee Gees.

and last but not least...

14. Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker. Herman's Hermits.

Every day may not be good....but there's something good in every day.... Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Online sales of Olympic Games souvenirs and memorabilia for the next Olympics have started and the new range is doing well.

One chap bought some Olympic condoms, they are made in gold, silver and bronze, and he said to his wife I think we will try gold tonight. She replied, why don't you try silver and come second for a change.


J

An old guy.


An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says, 99.

The doctor says, "great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99.

Again, the old guy says, '99'.

The doctor said, very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy begins,
"one...
two
three..." Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Supersex

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A friend turned up with a black eye.

"How did you get that ? " I asked.

He replied "Well, my wife was getting ready for bed. Standing by the mirror looking at herself.
She said 'oh I dont like getting old, my face is wrinkled, my hair is grey, my boobs have shrunk, my bum is sagging. Say something to cheer me up will you',
so I said 'At least there's nothing wrong with your eyesight' "

The truth hurts. Jules

^^^^  DAVE.

Bullfight

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. It's a local delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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oh that joke takes me back to 1967. Well done light water.

Size Does Matter

Results of a women's survey on size. Women's response:

2 inches I can't even hold it.
3 inches Never been so unsatisfied.
4 inches I've had bigger than it.
5 inches Good, but I wish a bit bigger.
6 inches perfect.
7 inches Love it.
8 inches Wow! But can't have it all.
9 inches Painful but manageable.
10 inches Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was actually a Customers' Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches!!!! But I love the way you all think! This is why I worry about you all. Dirty minds! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Sorry for another joke around sex, but the other jokes are tedious to the extreme! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Lightwater
I suggest you join Jim Davidsons usteam channel, for a fiver a month it's the best laughs I have had in ages.

https://ustreme.com/