On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know how to phrase things properly. 

Nicked from elsewhere ...


The Pearly Gates


40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the f ****** gates'. Stornoway Grey GS ... What a fine motor ... but not any more ... ... psst look at my gallery!
Company cars ... a thing of the past - May 2013.

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as ..''English Weather.'

Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.'

In other words - 'partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite FL2 TD4 XS Santorini

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.  ______________________
2011 Full Fat RR 4.4 TDV8
2012 FL2 SD4 Auto HSE
2013 Kawasaki Versys 650

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" she asked

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?!"

He explained "3 were on a beer can other 2 were on the phone....." At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'




'Not yet,' she replied.  Stornoway Grey GS ... What a fine motor ... but not any more ... ... psst look at my gallery!
Company cars ... a thing of the past - May 2013.

contrary to popular belief this is NOT me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jag7oTemldY At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

How do we know??  Freelander 2 GS Auto black + privacy glass
Mercedes E220 CDI

I own green tractORRS not red ones  At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

Well there we have it. Proof if ever proof was needed  Freelander 2 GS Auto black + privacy glass
Mercedes E220 CDI

chicken george wrote:

I own green tractORRS not red ones

So you're a Deere-man are you ??? Stornoway Grey GS ... What a fine motor ... but not any more ... ... psst look at my gallery!
Company cars ... a thing of the past - May 2013.

Oh yes green and yellow for me..even the lawn mower and Finns first toy tractor (one recycled from my youth) is of course green  At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

http://my350z.com/forum/lounge-off-topic/3...uined.html

And you wonder why LR uses 3M tape for body kits  At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

Bloody hell it looks like the trainee at B and Q did the bodywork.......

WITH APOLOGIES TO ALL MORRIS DANCERS -
A guy was walking through Leds one saturday and as he pushes through a particularly dense crowd of people he sees some men dressed mainly in white, with strange caps and carrying hankerchiefs dancing around.
"What the hell is this" he says to himself and is so impressed he stops to watch for a while.
When the dancers stop he asks the person in charge if he can do this, the man says that he can join their little club and dance with them regularly, he will just have to fill in a short form and get his doctor to sign to say he is fit.
The next day the guy takes the form to his doctor and explains about the club.
The doctor looks at the form and tells him that he can have a quick examination there and then, to which the guy agrees.
The doctor says " take off your shirt" - The guy says "what for", so the doctor says "to check your lungs - all that dancing around needs good lungs".and then checks his lungs.
The doctor then says "take off your pants", The guy says "what for", so the doctor says "to check your legs - all that dancing around you know" and then checks his legs.
The doctor then says "take off your underpants", to which the guy says "whats that for then".
The doctor tells him that a complete check is required, so the guy removes his underpants.
The doctor sucks in his breath and says "sorry, I can't fill in your form for you"
"Why not" says the guy.
"Because you have been circumsised" says the doctor.
"Whats that got to do with dancing" says the guy.







"Well", says the doctor - "to be a Morris Dancer you have to be a complete prick".