Andy Gray's Resignation Letter........


I'm so sad to be leaving a company that I've served for over 20 years
and a job that I've loved doing.

However, as I'm sacked anyway, I might as well tell you the story about
my friend that I was going to tell on air next week.

You see, she got a job as a teacher of physical education to a group of
teenage boys.

One day she notices a boy in the field standing alone at one end of the
field,
while all the other kids are running around at the other end having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"You ok sweetheart?" she says.

"Yes Miss" he replies.

"'You can go and play with the other kids if you want" she says.

"It's best I stay here Miss. " he says.

"Why?" asks the blonde.

The boy replies: "Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper"



Yours sincerely.





Andy Gray

He just bought a boat and decided to take her for the
maiden voyage.
This was his first boat and he wasn't quite sure of the exact
Standard Operating Procedures for launching it off a ramp,
but he figured it couldn't be too hard.
He consulted his local boat dealer for advice, but they just
said "don't let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to
launch the boat".
Well, he didn't know what they meant by that as he could barely
get the trailer in the water at all! Anyhow, here's a picture below.

You're gonna love this bloke!!!
Folks, you just can't make this stuff up!

Click image to enlarge

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The Magistrate says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. " 156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your a hole before prison......... p****d off with a Digital Keyboard Warrior

It doesn't matter which car this young lady drives, it automatically gets a 6 ****** NCAP rating even with front airbags disabled

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is for only £50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."



Don't mess with Senior Citizens

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:


"FREEZE, MUTHA****A!!"


I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit. Former Mod/Member, with the most post & Chicken George Arch nemesis

This is the humour section Mr Pink

Well I laughed at it  Former Mod/Member, with the most post & Chicken George Arch nemesis

"I was in Starbucks yesterday when suddenly I desperately needed
to fart.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of chorus, I started to feel much better.

I was sipping my Latte; I then noticed that everybody was staring at me.

That's when it dawned ... I was listening to my iPod." Firenze Red XS TD4 01/2013 . Averaging 1800 miles per month. My 5th Freelander in 11 years. Devotee?

Girl said to her boy friend "I'm sick of you pushing me around & talking behind my back",

He replied "What the do you expect? you're in a wheelchair"

Four old men went to a club to play golf. After several minutes, one of them says:
- Yes, it seems that with the passing years these hills became steeper and steeper...
- And the distance from one hole to another is growing bigger and bigger..., says the second.
- Not to say that the clubs have become heavier, said the third.
Nervous, the fourth old man responds:
- Quit lament like this. Better be glad that you are on the correct side of the grass!

I am not a pheasant plucker, I am a pheasant pluckers son , and I am only plucking pheasants until the pheasant plucker comes.

Realspeed Ex 2010 Freelander2 GS-e Diesel manual Silver owner

Laying in bed with the Farmer's wife, the sound of tyres on gravel announced the unexpected return of her husband and I looked out of the window only to see him approaching the house brandishing a 12-bore.

"Quick!", said his wife, "Use the backdoor!" - and I suppose I should have run - but you don't get an offer like that, everyday, do you...?

 Former Mod/Member, with the most post & Chicken George Arch nemesis

Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!

' Rajpat: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter..

' Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'


*Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.*

Rajpat: 'I have a husband for your daughter....

' Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!

' Rajpat: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.

' Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case... ok'


*Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.*

Rajpat: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.

' President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!

' Rajpat: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.

' President: 'Ah, in that case... ok'