A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the
same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,"
says the man.

"Yep! Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the
table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every
time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old
lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand
in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

" That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is
always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, ....................


........

"Ah... My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with
everything I say."

like it

Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates. St Peter opens them and says "Come on in Luciano. Sqeeze through".

Pavarotti says, "I've got an envelope from the pope". St Peter opens the envelope and reads, 'Thats that tenor i owe you.'"

WARNING: BAD TASTE MAY OFFEND

Just heard Colin McCrae wife has been hit with the Northern Rock banking problem,

so she has removed all the money and now placed it with Scottish Widdows.

An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".


Englishman gives it a guitar which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.


Irishman gives it a piano which it plays better than Elton John.


Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.


The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes so the Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?

The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna f*** her brains out once I get her pyjamas off"

Aye, ya cannae beat the Scots  ______________________
2011 Full Fat RR 4.4 TDV8
2012 FL2 SD4 Auto HSE
2013 Kawasaki Versys 650

Apparantly at Pavarotti's funeral they could not find a big enough hearse to carry his body so Nissan stepped in with a bespoke made vehicle for the job...it was called the 'Nissan Dorma'

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer,
he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit and
pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the
flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

You need to try and visualise this one!!



3 men in a pub all having their last drink decide that when they go home, whatever the wife tells then to do, they’ll do it without question and agree to meet in the pub the next night.

The next night all 3 men are in the pub:-

1st guy – When I got home last night my dinner was in the oven. As I took it out I spilt a bit of gravy on the floor. “That’s it” the wife says, “Throw you dinner over the kitchen why don’t you”. So I did, I threw it all over the kitchen.

2nd guy – When I got home last night there was some footy on the telly so I sat down to watch it, lit a cigarette and dropped a bit of ash on the floor. “That’s it” the wife said, “Burn the bloody house down why don’t you”. So I did, I burned the house down.

3rd guy – When I got home last night the house was in darkness. So I crept up the stairs into the bedroom and slid my hand up under the sheets. “You can cut that out” said the wife…..........….Ever seen one of these? ______________________
2011 Full Fat RR 4.4 TDV8
2012 FL2 SD4 Auto HSE
2013 Kawasaki Versys 650

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes
one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
window.

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins
to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical
abnormalities."

"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast
cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most
of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached
the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the
Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into
a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the
Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

 ______________________
2011 Full Fat RR 4.4 TDV8
2012 FL2 SD4 Auto HSE
2013 Kawasaki Versys 650

Quiz Time !

Three words, six letters, one question----all guaranteed to destroy a mans confindence what are they?

Is it in  ______________________
2011 Full Fat RR 4.4 TDV8
2012 FL2 SD4 Auto HSE
2013 Kawasaki Versys 650

UKdave104 wrote:

Is it in

CORRECT ANSWER

Quote:

UKdave104 wrote:
Is it in


CORRECT ANSWER

Not that I've been asked it before, was just a wild guess  ______________________
2011 Full Fat RR 4.4 TDV8
2012 FL2 SD4 Auto HSE
2013 Kawasaki Versys 650