I guess you didn't understand that one Andy  Former Mod/Member, with the most post & Chicken George Arch nemesis

npinks wrote:

I guess you didn't understand that one Andy

Understand what


















 2007 Freelander 2 HSE TD4 Manual with Premium Pack & Moonroof.
Stornoway Grey with Ebony Black Pleather, Clear Indicators, Body Side Mouldings etc.

A jumbo-jet is taking off from London airport.
After reaching cruising altitude, the captain start speaking on the microphone:
- Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. We have excellent weather conditions and foresee a flight without incidents. We will land at New York Airport at 6:35 p.m.. We invite you to take a more comfortable position, to watch a movie and relax ... Oh NO! Lord! ...
A snap is heard and ... nothing!
Dead silence on the plane...
Passengers look each-other frozen...
Nobody is moving...
Still, the plane continues to keep its direction and altitude, but ...
The stewards smile nervous... Bad sign! ...
After a few long minutes, the captain is back on the microphone:
- I apologize for the previous incident, but I just spilled my hot coffee on my pants! You should see how they look in the front!
- That's nothing, yells a passenger, you should see mine in the back!

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/call-her-crusher.html

A bit of black humour...

There was this river with miraculous powers. If you cross it, your greatest wish come true.
A blind man is crossing... On the other side he yells: Miracle! Miracle! I can see!
A deaf man is crossing... On the other side: I can believe! I can hear!
A man in a wheel chair is crossing... On the other side he yells: I've got new tires! I've got new tires!

Why can I relate to this?
My 1 day of employment!

After landing my new job as a B&Q greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Why?
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
'Good morning and welcome to B&Q, nice children you have there, are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins, the oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7!
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe that someone would want to shag you twice..?
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B&Q.'


My supervisor said It probably wasn't the right job for me.

If Jimmy Anderson was in the Aussie cricket team what would he be called?

An all-rounder!

 Freelander 2 TD4 Auto, SE, Narvik Black, Alpaca full leather, Rear Headrest Entertainment System, 6 CD, 18 HSE Wheels, Privicy tints

And below the picture as normal you have the line "click image to enlarge" p****d off with a Digital Keyboard Warrior

The translation of the title is "Golden Drunks"

And the final: "It's good to leave the booze...., but it's bad to forget where you left it."

And another one:
PARK ASSIST

Bloke owns his own record shop and is selling a single to kids like hot cakes.
He needs to nip out for half an hour to get more stock and asks his 14 year old son to look after the shop while he is away.
While the young man is in the shop alone, a woman walks in and starts thumbing through some vinyl records.
'Excuse me young man' the woman asks, 'Have you got Tubular bells on a 12 inch?'.
'No' replied the young man 'But i've got dangling balls on an eight inch'.
'How dare you' retorts the woman 'That's not a record!'

'No' replied the young man 'But it ain't bad for a 14 year old!!!!'. Another member of the failed FL2 clutch/DMF club, twice.

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
"Bastards won't let me fart."

True Story from a comedy club night out.

Comedian to punter in the crowd: what do you do?

Punter: I'm a teacher

Comedian: And what do you teach?

Punter: Little bastards mainly.....

Brought the house down that one did.

For our aussies

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala!
What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walked into the rain forest and found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


"Hey you!"

The koala looked down at him and said,

"Fuuuuuuck, dude...
How much water did you drink?!"

 HSE TD4, Auto, alpaca, matt black&carbon fibre wrapping, 235/65 R17 Conti CrossContact AT, 60mm H&R wheel spacers, Matzker sump guard, self-build side protection tubes, tinted headlamps, smoked side repeaters, auxiliary head lamps, caliper unit matt black powder-coated, colour coated front grille (without LR badge), side vents, light housing, Kuda iPhone console, car cigar jack in boot, „Black Rope“ dash trim kit, …