'He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along.'

What Killed Paddy


Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland.

Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works.

He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.

Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing.

They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt, beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.

Headlines next day in the Irish Times Newspaper said 'Oysters Kilpatrick'. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Church Organist.

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday." Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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 2011 XS,Sumatra Black, GONE MARCH 2014- RR Evoque Prestige 5 door ,MY 2014,Loire Blue, Silver Roof, Panoramic roof.
MY 2016 Disco Sport HSE Auto Scotia Grey,REJECTED
Mercedes E220D AMG line with air suspension(Gone)
DS 200 SE Dynamic my 21 (Gone)
DS 200 SE Dynamic my 22 (Gone)
Audi Q5 40TDI S line (gone)
Discovery Sport D200 S 2024 MY

Lightwater wrote:

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

Another blonde joke, sorry!


A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing a very expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous beautifully tailored blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There is no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing a very attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Effective weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day/5-kilogram weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kilos as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/10-kilo program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign round her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 10 kilograms as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50-kilogram program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone "This is our most rigorous program." Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Nigel. If I catch you, you're mine!" Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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 2009 FL2 S now gone
2011 FL2 HSE AUTO
2012 FL2 XS AUTO
2000 Kawasaki er 5

"Not quite as athletic"


Getting old.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought... and thought, and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.. The one that's red and has thorns all over it.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man... He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Disclaimer: My sister also has a Land Rover (An Evoque, daughter of the Freelander (She bought it because it had Range Rover on the bonnet)... but which unusually is shorter (hight issue) than next generation!).....*

Quite frankly, my car has done 4000km on corrugated roads, often rock strewn, lots of dust which would knock the life out of any air filter. Really, cheaper that mobile phone replacements in this day an age (just ordered another Sony phone as 3g is being turned off in Australia, perfectly good phone now going to landfill)... Land Rover is still going with zero hiccups.



* I profusely apologise to the nth degree for multiple confusing brackets.

PPS. The Freelander is the best car in the Outback & Sydney on otherwise low profile tyre & rim destroying goat tracks!

PPPS. Acoustic insulation is luxury worth every cent.
https://www.freel2.com/forum/topic33026.html Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Grandma and Grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV and their other hand on the body part they wanted healed.

Grandma hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other hand on her arthritic hip.

Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch.

Grandma looked at him with disgust: "You just don't understand, you old coot. The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead." Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Lipstick in school

According to a news report, a certain private school was recently faced with a difficult problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of lip prints.

Every night the cleaner would remove them and the next day the.girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the cleaner.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem, which had to be cleaned from the mirrors every night (one can just imagine the yawns from the little "princesses").

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the cleaner to show the girls how much effort was required to clean the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers... and there are educators! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent's to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.

One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon.

Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher,

'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

Stay the f_ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Love the Aunty Sharon One.

"Stay the f_ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

Amen!