Putin portrait


Putin was overheard talking to a portrait of himself. Putin asked "When, not if, we lose the war what will happen?" The portrait replied "They'll take me down and hang you instead!" No wonder Putin's favourite song is Crimea river. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A nun, badly needing to use to the toilet, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the toilet?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.
''Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the toilet?'
‘Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink.....?’ MY13 HSE Lux Santorini Black Gone
MY11 HSE Santorini Black Gone
MY08 SE Blue, Gone
Alfa Romeo GT Gone
Alfa Romeo 156 Space wagon Gone
Volvo V40 Gone
Volvo 480ES Gone
VW Sirocco GTX Gone

When i was a child my father (although some say he isn't my father) cheated and didn't love my family.
Later my parents divorced.
Soon after my mother, who slept around, died in a car accident.
My brother and i had to live in my grandma's old house.
The whole family lived on my grandma's savings.
My uncle is thought to be a paedophile.
Grandma just died.
Dad, who talks to trees, is now 73 and had to go out to work to support the family.
Dad has cut me off without a penny because I married an actress.

Life isn't fair

Prince Harry Common sense isn't very common.
_______________________________
2007 Land Rover Freelander2 I6 hse Auto

When they stop fiddling with those silly round things in Qatar.

Scottish Haka:

 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Didn't think this through!

 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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The Brothel Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!" Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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 MY 09 GS manual in Lago Grey, Wood Co arm rest and side bumper strips - now sold.

MY 15 SD4 SE Auto Orkney Grey with colour coded Bumper Door Mouldings

A politician was visiting a remote little rural town in Australia and asked the locals what the government could do for them.

"We have two big needs, said the townspeople. First, we have a hospital but no doctor.

The politician whipped out his iPhone, spoke for a while, and then said, I have sorted that out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?

The townspeople replied, We have no mobile phone reception in our town. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Following on from Lightwater….Man went into a pet shop and asked for a Wasp !
“Don’t be stupid, we don’t sell wasps”. said the assistant.
“Well you had one in the window yesterday”. !!!

Three men in a pub:

The first man said, my name is George because I was born on St. George's Day.

The second man said, my name is Andrew because I was born on St Andrew's Day.

The third man said, my name is Pancake . . .


Happy Pancake Day today.

May your thoughts and reflections during the season of Lent be rewarding.

J

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said. This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?

Well, I can drop her off here on Monday and Wednesday but I fish on Fridays! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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No one going fishing?


Anyway... as a result:

If being cremated, say: "It is getting hot in here, can someone turn the air conditioning on!" Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: "1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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The wifey, or Mistress for that matter, exiting a Freelander can be done with etiquette!

 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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