This or that way I'm glad it happened safely! Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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A husband walks into 'Victoria's Secret' to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price... the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the £150, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £150 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for £150, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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If life throws you melons, you're dyslexic

If you are Dyslexic then life has already thrown you a melon  Common sense isn't very common.
_______________________________
2007 Land Rover Freelander2 I6 hse Auto

A woman came home from work to find her husband shagging the living daylights out of a young woman on the stairs.

When the relative calm had settled and his eye was not throbbing so much he thought he had better explain to his wife so he told her that the young woman used to work in the same office as him but had been made redundant two weeks ago. She had no income so she gave up her flat and decided to go back home to her parents in Poland. On the way to the airport she was mugged and lost her passport, money, phone and her suitcase with all her posessions. He saw her in a shop doorway and she was cold and hungry so he took pity on her and took her home.

So he said to his wife that he gave her some of the casserole he cooked for her last night that she didn't want because she said it was fattening.

Then he said I gave her the fur coat you said you couldn't use because it no longer fitted and I gave her your old boots that you siad you would not be seen dead in because they were out of fashion.

He went on; just before you came home she thanked me for the stuff I gave her and asked if I had anything else my wife didn't use any more!

J

Touché @Jimboland!

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Kidding Me?"

Well, the story goes way back to when the Father of America, George Washington, was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 men in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Raymond Dicks and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Dicks, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw the Corporal and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find him, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favourites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 33 men actually 32 of us without Dicks.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be kidding' me. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant lady from NSW married to a wealthy business man.

The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mt. Isa, Queensland (outback).

After a little while the Sydney woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from Mt. Isa commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from Mt. Isa commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic."

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this most exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the lady from Mt. Isa commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic."

The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," I was declared the Mt. Isa lady.

"Charm school." The first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What could they possibly teach you there?"

The lady from Mt. Isa responded, Well as an example instead of saying, "Who gives a fu¢k?" I learnt to say, "Well, isn't that fantastic." Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Greetings to our Scottish members this St. Andrews Day.


Three men in a pub.

The first man says "My Name is Andrew because I was born on St. Andrews Day".

The second man says "My name is George because I was born on St. Georges Day".

The third man says "My name is Pancake . . . ".


J

1970s domestic life before Alexa:

 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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^^^I did not expect that end.

Brilliant, such a great comedien in the true sense of the word.

The football cup.

A bloke without a ticket managed to get into the stadium which was packed. There was just one empty seat so he thought he would see if he could sit there. He asked the man in the next seat if anybody was sitting there. The man said no-one was sitting there and that the bloke could have the seat. The man went on and said, it was my wifes' seat, we have been to every cup final in the last forty years but she died recently. The bloke replied that he was sorry to hear that and asked if he could have got a friend or relative to come to the match with him. The man replied, no, they are all at the funeral.

J

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.

After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the Star of the Show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claudecarefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch".

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly,

The chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact".

"S*1t" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre.

. MY13 HSE Lux Santorini Black Gone
MY11 HSE Santorini Black Gone
MY08 SE Blue, Gone
Alfa Romeo GT Gone
Alfa Romeo 156 Space wagon Gone
Volvo V40 Gone
Volvo 480ES Gone
VW Sirocco GTX Gone