With thanks to Barry Cryer
An old man’s in having a massage and the masseuse asks him “ would you like supersex?”
He thinks for a minute “I think I’ll have the soup”

Quiz show


A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.

He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."

Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."

"Um... the head."

"Good. Eight seconds."

"Um... the heart."

"That's right. Five seconds."

"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough! You've won $100,000 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Wayne phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Wayne: 'Get an ambulance here quick, my mate has been hit by a car, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir..?'

Wayne: 'Outside number 28 O'Shaughnessy Street Kew Vic.'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir..?' Silence.... and after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir..?' More silence and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me..?' This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me..?'

Wayne: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell O'Shaughnessy Street, so I've just dragged him round to number 40 High Street.' Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Lucky Hubby ?

 Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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 DAVE.

The Irish Furniture Dealer


Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed on it.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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The Undertaker

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. He wife asked him, "What happened to you?"

"I've had a terrible day!" says Bob. I had to go to a hotel, where a guest had died in his sleep! When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag, because he had a huge erection!"

"Anyway, I went up, and sure enough there was this big naked man, lying on the bed with a huge erection! So I grabbed his erection with both hands and tried to bend it in half!"

"I see!" said the wife, "That must have been terrible! But how did you get the black eye?"

Bob replied, "Wrong room!" Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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When Bob the undertaker started as an apprentice undertaker after leaving school the first job he was given was to screw the lid on a coffin. The boss told him the deceased was already in the coffin so it shouldn't take him too long but it took him all morning. The boss was not pleased and asked Bob why he had taken so long. Bob said it was a difficult job as the man had a huge erection and everytime he put the lid on it sprang up so he used his initiative and drilled a hole in the coffin lid for the erection to go through. The boss went mad saying you can't do a funeral with that sticking out of the top of the coffin. So Bob replied it would be OK as he cut it off and sanded it down to look like a knot in the wood!

J

..... if Bob had thought about it, it would have stopped the strategically placed wreath, falling off the coffin.

Now that's what you call a "stiff".

A Bristol man who settled in to take a dump during the final days of Boris Johnson’s tenure has exited the toilet blissfully unaware of Liz Truss’s stint in office.

Stepping out of the bathroom, dad Harold Coombe jokingly asked if he’d missed anything, and was surprised to be told it was the entire tenure of Britain’s 56th Prime Minister.
“Her rise, her fall, her further fall – I missed the whole thing. It’s incredible, you can’t even take a sh¡t anymore without losing a head of government”.

Coombe said he had looked back at the news to piece together a timeline of events. “By the looks of it I produced my first stool during the mini-budget, began wiping my arse when Kwasi Kwarteng resigned and had my trousers up by the time Liz Truss pulled the pin. I’d better go wash my hands before someone else resigns”.


https://www.theshovel.com.au/2022/10/20/da...istership/ Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Positive Attitude


There is attitude and then there is a positive attitude!

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is.

The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the RCN fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

His nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Sailor, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word:

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your tits, then?"

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude. Procrastination, mankind's greatest labour saving device!

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Lightwater, 60's humour still alive in Oz

Nice one Lightwater.

This is true. I used to be a major emergency incident manager when a Hawker Harrier S/VTOL aircraft crashed shortly after take off from a RAF base in Cambridgeshire. All the usual suspects, Fire, Police, Ambulance, Local Authority etc. turned out and as per procedures issued a joint press statement.

A young female ambulance office volunteered to prepare the statement and she wrote. "A RAF Harrier jet crashed shortly after take off. There were no injuries and no damage to property and the pilot ejaculated safely.

J

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