Saw one of my mates sobbing and wailing outside the Doctors this morning.

" What's happened? " I asked him,

"Just been told I've got the big 'C' " he replied,

"what!!!! you've got cancer" I said ,

"no..................................Dyslexia!!!" Baltic blue XS - Alpaca Leather - 18" HSE wheels.

chicken george wrote:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km7mZIov1jA

Me neither, nobody to talk to all day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGIzDrlJsGg&feature=related At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Border Policeman stops them and tells them "It’sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Idiot! Vot do you mean it’s illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pull thata one on me!" replies the policeman. "Quattro meansa four. You hava five peoples ina your car and you are therefore breaka the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "Schweinhund! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone mit more intelligence!"
"I’ma Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can’ta come. He’sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno." LR Freelander2 2,2 Td4 HSE manuel Stornaway Grey (Metallic) & Ebony Black Leather & Sun/Moon-roof & Bi-Xenon & Roof Rails & Tow bar & Body side rubbing strips & Cold climate pack & Privacy glass & NavTeq . Production Date: 11/5-2007 in Halewood.

Sorry, but I have changed to Defender 90 ", and I love my" tractor ".
http://www.youtube.com/bjartin

"Four-sprung Duck technique.
Sorry didnt get that one either - is a four-sprung Duck some UK thingy"

Don't worry AndyC - It's themed on a series of boring British Audi adverts which ran for far too long! FL2 TD4 XS Santorini

not so much humour,

but have you seen the size of this dead snake that has been found apparently measures 50ft

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uqg3Pg2M9WU...r_embedded Former Mod/Member, with the most post & Chicken George Arch nemesis

Elton John goes to a tattooist and asks for a Rolls Royce on his c k.

The tattooist replies with "Wouldn't a Land Rover be better to get through the s t?" 2007 Freelander 2 HSE TD4 Manual with Premium Pack & Moonroof.
Stornoway Grey with Ebony Black Pleather, Clear Indicators, Body Side Mouldings etc.

 Former Mod/Member, with the most post & Chicken George Arch nemesis

Story as told by a man standing in a queue in Tescos

I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco, and was standing in the queue at the till, waiting to pay. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse , I told her no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because the last time I had ended up in hospital, but I had lost 50lbs before I awakened in an Intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way that it worked is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified she asked if I'd ended up in hospital because I had been poisoned. I told her, no, it was because I had been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me!

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so much, as he staggered out the door.

If you receive an email from the Department of Health, telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu, ignore it.





It's just spam. FL2 TD4 XS Santorini

A Romanian has been shot in the head in south Belfast with a starting pistol
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Police say it's definately race related

I'll get my coat

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and proclaims:

'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new BMW every year and his wife with a Freelander 2 to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,

'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F him!' FL2 TD4 XS Santorini

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a chinese resturant and order the "chicken surprise".

The waiter brings up the meal served in a cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself the lid of the pot slightly rises and she briefly see's two beady little eyes before the lid slams back down.

" Oh my god" she says "did you just see that".

The husband says no so she says "then you had better look under the lid for yourself". As he reaches forward the lid lifts slightly open again and he sees two little beady eys before the lid slams back down again.
Very annoyed the guy calls over the waiter and tries to explain what has just happened.

The waiter replies "Well, what did you order then"

The man says "We ordered the chichen surprise"

I am terribly sorry, the waiter explained, we've given you the peeking duck. FL2 TD4 XS Santorini

 FL2 TD4 XS Santorini

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.

I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife, therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. FL2 TD4 XS Santorini