no that's something to do with having a spicy curry....

Dartman the one wrote:

The joke about the auto is not so far fetched, my son worked at a west country docks as a maintenance supervisor when he received a call from one of the 5 ton bucket front loaders ( they are put in to grain holds to unload the cargo),the operator stated it wouldn't start, my son asked for the fault code and the reply was R3, my son asked for confirmation as it wasn't a fault code, he was assured it was correct so went to check, there was no fault code but the dash board indication R3 was reverse gear 3. the operator was so used to the machine starting and operating the shift controls he had never looked at the gear indicator, this machine had been craned into the hold and the last driver never checked it was in neutral when parked up.

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. " Ex AA Series III LWB Safari - Gone
300TDi Disco (bought new - terrible car) sent back after 18 months
Freelander 1 Estate - leased, given back at end of lease
200TDi Disco (bought from a mate with 100,000 on the clock) - Gone
Disco 2 TD5 - sold and exported to France
FR2 TD4 GS - Gone
FR2 SD4 HSE - Now changed for a DS
New model ex-demo Evoque S 180 in white
Unable to order a new DS, so gave up. Now have a Volvo S90 Recharge.

A photo of my Sky planner. What was the Discovery History Channel showing?

 Updated- Waiting for a Scotland v England 6 Nations home win. 24th Feb 2018
Gone-1972 88 SWB Soft top
Gone-1981 24v FFR Lightweight
Gone-2009 Freelander 2 TD4 GS manual
Gone before it bankrupted me- 2008 Discovery 3 TDV6 Auto
2013 Freelander 2 SD4 GS Auto

Secrets of the Arse?

 Regards

David

Lovely i6 has now gone, but not me......

Please let me know if anything in my post offends you, as I may wish to offend you again......

Secrets of the Arse will CG's towing mirror ever come out




http://www.freel2.com/forum/post370922.html#370922 At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks,
"Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"




"Rustling," answered the bartender.

A garage in Toronto is offering "Free oil change for Teslas". Ex AA Series III LWB Safari - Gone
300TDi Disco (bought new - terrible car) sent back after 18 months
Freelander 1 Estate - leased, given back at end of lease
200TDi Disco (bought from a mate with 100,000 on the clock) - Gone
Disco 2 TD5 - sold and exported to France
FR2 TD4 GS - Gone
FR2 SD4 HSE - Now changed for a DS
New model ex-demo Evoque S 180 in white
Unable to order a new DS, so gave up. Now have a Volvo S90 Recharge.

Due to the security at the 75th D Day anniversary the Schengen agreement was temporarily suspended so when Angela Merkel turned up at the French Border she had to show her passport.

The French passport official asked "Name", "Angela Merkel" she replied.

"Occupation" asked the official. Merkel replied "No, just a short visit".


But seriously; total respect, honour and gratitude to all those who took part. We must never forget and let future generations know of the sacrifice so many made to preserve our freedom. We must also ensure that that freedom is never lost.

J

My mate was on Tescos dating site looking for a woman and got a bag for life.

The Revenue Commissioner decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.
The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure I find that believable.'
'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'
Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand quid that I can bite my own eye'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.' Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.'
The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has
bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and pi$$ into that
rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me 20,000 that he could come in here and
pi$$ all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it..

This and a lot more at https://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/mar...-33362078. The article's a bit cr*p but some of the comments are spot on. Ex AA Series III LWB Safari - Gone
300TDi Disco (bought new - terrible car) sent back after 18 months
Freelander 1 Estate - leased, given back at end of lease
200TDi Disco (bought from a mate with 100,000 on the clock) - Gone
Disco 2 TD5 - sold and exported to France
FR2 TD4 GS - Gone
FR2 SD4 HSE - Now changed for a DS
New model ex-demo Evoque S 180 in white
Unable to order a new DS, so gave up. Now have a Volvo S90 Recharge.

A bloke without a ticket managed to get past security and into the Rugby World Cup in Japan. He was looking around trying to find a seat and he spotted an empty one so he thought he would try his luck and asked the chap in the next seat if the empty seat was taken.

The chap said it was OK for him to sit there because it was his wife's seat and she couldn't attend.

The bloke asked why the chap's wife couldn't attend and he told him that his wife had been really keen on rugby and that they had been to every important match over the last thirty years but she had died recently.

The bloke felt sorry for the chap and asked if he could have found a friend or relative to go the the match and the chap said he couldbn't find anyone because they were all at the funeral.


J

https://www.examinerlive.co.uk/news/west-y...e-17294843


Spot the journalists name At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

I knew a Swedish girl whose name was VANKE and pronounced like the journo's initial and surname. And yes, she could do some really facinating tricks!!!

J

She was a weather forecaster.

My kids keep laughing at my Alzheimers, they wont be laughing at Christmas when there are no eggs under the bonfire !


Thank you for your order from our sex shop,
You asked for the large red dildo featured on our wall,
Please select another product, that is our fire extinguisher. 94 Disco 300 TDI Gone
96 Defender 300 TDI Gone...Should have kept it.
2003 Freelander ES TD4 Gone
2002 Defender TD5 Gone
2005 Freelander HSE TD4 Gone
2015 Freelander 2 Metropolis Keeping for now!