Courtesy of The Daily Mash:

NOW is the time to think about leaving your old job for a newer job with slightly better money.
Key to this is a tissue of lies called a ‘CV’. Here’s a section-by-section guide to making yours look good:

Name
This is a relatively simple part of the CV. Essentially you have to remember your name.
However you may have some aliases, especially if you’ve been involved in criminal activity. Corporations will want to know about these as they like to hire people who are good at fraud. Simply put ‘AKA’ after your real name then list your alter egos.
Personal statement
What makes you stand out? It’s good if this bit is about sex. Everyone likes sex so it’s a safe way to create empathy with a prospective employer. Put something intriguing like, ‘I have a dark sexual energy’. Or write this section in the format of an erotic encounter between you and the interviewer.
Hobbies/interests
What are you really, really passionate about? What defines you as a person, makes you feel truly alive? Perhaps it’s ‘socialising’.
Also put ‘going to the cinema’.
Education
Make this bit up.
TIP – Oxford and Cambridge are ‘good’ universities. The ones that have adverts in bus shelters are not.
Previous employment
It’s fine to be general if you can’t remember, ie put ‘something boring’ for ‘some dicks’ for ‘a bit’.
References
Good – doctor, local councillor. Bad – cellmate.
Notes on presentation
Use a mixture of funny fonts. Alternate big letter, small letter for example ‘I LiKe WoRkInG’.
Rather than sending your CV through the post, make yourself memorable by finding out your prospective employer’s home address and leaving it on their doorstep overnight, weighted down with a dead starling. Ex AA Series III LWB Safari - Gone
300TDi Disco (bought new - terrible car) sent back after 18 months
Freelander 1 Estate - leased, given back at end of lease
200TDi Disco (bought from a mate with 100,000 on the clock) - Gone
Disco 2 TD5 - sold and exported to France
FR2 TD4 GS - Gone
FR2 SD4 HSE - Now changed for a DS
New model ex-demo Evoque S 180 in white
Unable to order a new DS, so gave up. Now have a Volvo S90 Recharge.

A French man working in London as a French Letter salesman had been out celebrating the recent agreement between Britain and France. Under the agreement Britain takes in more illegal immigrants from Calais and pays £44million to beef up French security and all Britain gets in return is the loan of some crumby old tapestry rubbing in the battle of Hastings when Willy the conquerer defeated King Harold.

Anyway, the Frenchy had had a few beers and wanted to relieve himself so he found a dark alleyway to use. He was just about to pee when a police officer came along and said to him "You can't do that here sir. Come with me".

Frenchy thought he was being arrested and going to be thrown in jail as the police office took him a few metres along the alley, through a gate into a garden and up to a large door.

The officer said "There you are sir, you can relieve yourself against the door".

"Oh this is marvellous" replied the Fenchy, "Is this your good British hospitality?"

"No sir" said the police officer, "This is the French Embassy".


J

 FL2 MY10 TD4 GS traded in at 2 years
FL2 MY13 TD4 GS Current

IRISH LADY OF THE NIGHT


An Irish daughter had not been home for over three years.

Upon her return home, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time?

Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line! Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer ol' mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, sniff....sniff.... "Dad, I was too embarrassed for I became a prostitute."

Ye what?!! Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! Ye're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so ye are."

"OK Daddy, as ye wish... I just came back to give Mommy this luxurious fur coat, a cheque for 2 million pounds and the title deed to an eight bedroom mansion.

For me little brother Shamus, this solid gold Rolex.

And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new limited edition convertible Mercedes parked out front plus a life membership to the Limerick Country Club."
She takes a deep breath and continues, "And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Caribbean."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" her father asked.
The girl, crying again, said, sniff...sniff... "A prostitute Daddy." sniff...sniff.

"Oh! Me goodness! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said ye had become a PROTESTANT! Come here and give yer ol' Dad a big hug." FL2 MY10 TD4 GS traded in at 2 years
FL2 MY13 TD4 GS Current

Well last night at the local church quiz I managed to get my team thrown out and banned for life.
The question being Where do women mostly have curly hair?
,
,
,,
,,
Apparently the correct answer was Africa. Understeer when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower how fast you hit the wall.
Torque how far you take the wall with you.

A family had lived in virtually complete isolation in the deep south of the USA. They rarely saw anyone else and had never been more than a couple of miles away from their home and were completely self sufficient. They were so isolated that they had no gas or electricity and so little contact with the outside world that they had no idea of how anyone else lived.

They heard that a new "out of town" shopping centre had been built about ten miles away from where they lived and decided to have a look at this new fangled thing so they set off along the road. It was all very strange to them, especially the head of the family who was 75 years old as they had heard about horseless carriages but had never seen one.

Eventually they got to the shopping centre and they were amazed at how big it was. It was five stories high and made out of all sorts of shiney stuff and plate glass windows that they had never seen before.

Inside they were dumbstruck at how big it was, and that was only the entrance lobby!

On the wall of the lobby there were two gleaming stainless steel panels and as they stood there in amazment the two panels slid apart revealing what looked like a very large cupboard or small room with nothing inside. As they were standing there a very elderly lady using a walking stick walked into the room and as soon as she got inside the two stainless steel panels, which they thought must be sliding doors slid back into place closing the room.

Above the doors on the wall there was a number 1. This number kept on changing it went from 1 to 2, 3, 4 and 5. After a few momnents the numer changed again going 5,4,3,2,1. When it got to 1 the panels slid open and a very attractive young lady walked out of the small room.

While the panels were open another old lady stepped into the room and the panels closed and the numbers changed as before and when the number got back to 1 the panels opened and another attractive young lady stepped out.

The old man, who was 75, turned to his son and said "This is amazing, go and fetch your mother straight away".

J

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?:

♦ I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?


♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,

they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. FL2 MY10 TD4 GS traded in at 2 years
FL2 MY13 TD4 GS Current

Thanks,  DAVE.

Mommy, where do babies come from?

Well, mommy and daddy get together, and daddy puts sperm into mommy, and then the babies grow...

But mommy, how does mommy get the sperm inside, does she swallow it?

No my dear, that only happens when mommy wants new shoes

Whats the difference between an Irish Wedding and a Irish Wake ?

Answer .................. One Less Drunk  FL2 MY10 TD4 GS traded in at 2 years
FL2 MY13 TD4 GS Current

 At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

Must be doing the rounds CG got the same email about 3 days ago, my wife and two of her friends took ages to understand it.  Common sense isn't very common.
_______________________________
2007 Land Rover Freelander2 I6 hse Auto

took me ages to get this harmless pic










the thing on babies cheek is a nose , work back from there At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

 FL2 MY10 TD4 GS traded in at 2 years
FL2 MY13 TD4 GS Current

 FL2 MY10 TD4 GS traded in at 2 years
FL2 MY13 TD4 GS Current