Wife left a note for husband to prepare dinner.

Take shepherds pie out of fridge and place in oven at 140 degrees.
 FL2 SD4 Metropolis Auto Santorini Black / ivory completely stock.

It's true that light travels faster than sound, some people look quite intelligent until you hear them speak.


Stop global winging.

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.

He shouted, “Do you think I’m stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door.”

I said, “You’re not coming in mate!”

He said, “I don’t want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car.”

What a Scotsman Wears Under His Kilt

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whiskey at a local pub.
He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring.
When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all.
Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment.
A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature.
He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon.

He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

Another one for our Scottish friends....

A thoughtful Scottish Husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub,

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘ Heather - put your hat and coat on, lassie.’

She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you? '

'Nay,’ Jock replied ‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'

A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make £40,000 a year and you make £1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered, "Try doing it with the engine running." Jaguar x-type sport gone
Jaguar x-type 2.2d sport one of my best cars ever sadly gone
Freelander 2 GS auto 2008 most unreliable ever ! gladly gone
Freelander 2 GS manual 2013 only time will tell !

An electrician dies in a car accident, on his 40th birthday, and finds himself standing outside the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a majestic hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering, shouting and honouring his name; absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, also shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.”

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the electrician sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm an electrician – the elite among many, royalty of all construction trades??"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The electrician is dumbstruck and can only look at Saint Peter, mouth wide open.
When he regains his speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says “I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."



"That's simply impossible son," frowned bewildered Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."

Bill Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yerself . This is Father O'Mal-ley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would you be so kind as to send a couple
of yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent,
thought he would have a little fun with the Priest, replied:
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . . . ..The Priest then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

Bill T Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

An Arab Sheikh was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Yorkshireman was located who had the same rare blood type. The Yorkshireman willingly donated his blood for the Arab and after the surgery, the Arab sent the York-shireman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, some diamonds & $100,000 US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Yorkshireman, who naturally was keen to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the guy a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street choco-lates. The Yorkshireman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be as generous as before, that you would give me t'BMW, diamonds & t'money, or summat as like, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street, how come?" To this the Arab replied: "Aye lad, but tha knows I now have t'Yorkshire blood in me veins".

Bill T Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they
found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.
When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and
found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'It could have
been worse.'"
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It
couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He
then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.
"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and
found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it
could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three
people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would
be me in that bed!"

Bill T Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a car mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

Bill Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.

'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well' sighed the priest, "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realise she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

<iframe></iframe><div>Kelly Brook's Cameltoe Shows from Kelly Brook <iframe></iframe>
</div> Former Mod/Member, with the most post & Chicken George Arch nemesis

I suppose he had attempted to secure his load