An English cat, named One Two Three and a French cat, named Un Deux Trois, decided to have a swimming race across the Channel. The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

Bill Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

tres bon ! ...

Be true to yourself. That way happiness lies...

A small Essex Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of her species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Wayne, a part-time worker from Basildon, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Wayne, like most Basildonians, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Wayne was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £100?

Wayne showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss the gorilla."

"Second, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

Wayne stated, "You gotta give me a couple of weeks to get the £100 together." Past: FL2 TD4 HSE Auto
Evoque SD4 Dynamic Lux Auto
Present: Audi A3 S Line.

taztastic wrote:

And we've had a telephone for over a year now! Another member of the failed FL2 clutch/DMF club, twice.

Shame the electricity hasn't got there yet............ Ours - 2008 Stornoway Grey HSE Auto
Tricia's - 2006 Royal Blue Beetle Cabriolet Auto
Mine - 2014 Vespa GTS 300 Super Sport Matt Black
Ours - 2007 White Bailey Pageant Champagne

Sorry rjc1944
We have got electricity.
And it's all free.
A Worlds first.
Our Wind Farms are powered by all the hot air produced by the Welsh Assembly  Another member of the failed FL2 clutch/DMF club, twice.

Yeay! We'll be in glorious Wales for the first week in May, staying at the son-in-law's cottage near Tywyn. First time back in God's own Principality since we emigrated to Cornwall in 2011. That's the longest spell without a Wales fix in my entire life. Far too long. Great little country, far more than the sum of its parts. I hope we get a clear day to go up Snowdon. Ours - 2008 Stornoway Grey HSE Auto
Tricia's - 2006 Royal Blue Beetle Cabriolet Auto
Mine - 2014 Vespa GTS 300 Super Sport Matt Black
Ours - 2007 White Bailey Pageant Champagne

Lovely narrow gauge railway from Tywyn; stunning scenery. We're about 35 miles from there.
Was it you that mentioned the passes from Vyrnwy as I recall? That's on my doorstep.

Hope the weather is as good as today for you
Pob Hwyl! Another member of the failed FL2 clutch/DMF club, twice.

I stayed near Tywyn in a chalet on the hill over Aberdovey, would be a nice place if the locals pronounced names in the way they are spelt. At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

Some of these seem a bit familiar, but here they are anyway. Sent to me from Canada, so they can't be offensive!

I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie,
large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said:
“I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him, “I wish I had your willpower!”

I took my biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently, "Young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today.
She said, “Sorry about the wait.”
I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually.”

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said:
“Any change?”
I said, “No, you're still black.”

Years ago, it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since most doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !

I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself, "I'm gonna have that!"

A man in a hot air balloon was lost over Ireland.
He looked down and saw a farmer in the fields and shouted down to him, “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looked back up and shouted back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."

A woman had a medical at the doctors.
“You are grossly overweight,” he said.
“I want a second opinion,” she exclaimed.
“OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”

That should more or less cover it all. Ex AA Series III LWB Safari - Gone
300TDi Disco (bought new - terrible car) sent back after 18 months
Freelander 1 Estate - leased, given back at end of lease
200TDi Disco (bought from a mate with 100,000 on the clock) - Gone
Disco 2 TD5 - sold and exported to France
FR2 TD4 GS - Gone
FR2 SD4 HSE - Now changed for a DS
New model ex-demo Evoque S 180 in white
Unable to order a new DS, so gave up. Now have a Volvo S90 Recharge.

A lot of people think that Karaoke was invented by the Japanese not true it was invented by a little Sikh taxi driver from Wolverhampton called Gerupta Singh. FL2 SD4 Metropolis Auto Santorini Black / ivory completely stock.

It's true that light travels faster than sound, some people look quite intelligent until you hear them speak.


Stop global winging.

ITS STARTED




The other evening I was starting to watch a TV program so I yelled out to Sue my wife" Fetch me a beer its started" So Sue kindly went into the kitchen and got a beer out of the fridge and gave it to me. Shortly afterwards the adverts came on so again I yelled out to Sue " fetch me a beer its started" Sue again kindly went into the kitchen and got me another beer.
After the fourth request Sue said " what do you think I am? your slave, if you want a beer get it yourself, your idle and lazy and don't deserve someone like me, get off your backside instead of just sitting there" the rant went on for a good 5 minutes after which all I said was "its started" Ex 2010 Freelander2 GS-e Diesel manual Silver owner

Four guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. '


The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .'

The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.'

How do mechanics solve their problems?



They 'torque' about it.