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http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics...marks.html


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Be true to yourself. That way happiness lies...

Potatoes
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam so when it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Gary Lineker.

"Gary Lineker!!!!", they cried.
They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Gary Lineker because he's just ........

Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
OK! You asked for it: Here it is!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
... just a COMMONTATER!"


Sorry,

Bill. Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

Peels of laughter  2013 RR Evoque Pure Tech
2012 TD4 GS Auto Orkney Grey - gone

DJ Campball has assured fans that he is innocent of all charges and will be free to play in this weekends 1-1 draw with millwall

Bill. Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides
to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
“Very good”, says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had f*ck all', he says, ' F-*-C-K-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.



Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some
rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada . Peter is able to
tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from
the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder
is in bed with my mother. That's why I got f*ck all for breakfast'.

A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together. The shopping centre was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was.

In a subdued voice he replied, "Do you remember that jewellers' we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?"

Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said, "Yes, of course I remember that shop."
"Well, I'm in the pub next door."


Bill Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

...

http://www.guy-sports.com/jokes/car_jokes.htm



... ...

Be true to yourself. That way happiness lies...

Philosophical thought for the day –

“If a man speaks out in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

Was once having a lively discussion with the lovely Mrs. B. when we reached a point where I said "you can't argue with the facts".

She replied "I'm not arguing with the facts. I'm arguing with YOU!"  2013 RR Evoque Pure Tech
2012 TD4 GS Auto Orkney Grey - gone

A 'friend' went to Beijing and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.


Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

50 Shades of Grey

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"OK, OK! I can't park the f****g car! You do it, you SMUG b*******d"

Bill. Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

Bill Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

Cannot see what all the fuss is regards all these Bulgarians !
Its day six and I aint bumped into a single one of them yet !!

Still early days , ive only been here in Bulgaria for six days !!!


Bill. Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

5 men sitting in a bar: Wenger, Mourinho, Rodgers, Moyes and Martinez.....

The first round of beers was on Mourinho, he bought a Portugese beer for each of the others.

The second round was on Martinez, he bought everybody a San Miguel.

The third round was on Wenger, he bought everybody a glass of red wine.

The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint each for the guys, except for Moyes.

Moyes says;" Hey guys, what about my pint?"

Rodgers looked at him and said; Sorry David, this is the fourth round, and you are NOT in it....

Bill Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

 John
07 HSE Narvick Black
Land Rover Series One
Triumph Rocket 111 (sadly gone!)