One of my favourite jokes is about camels. ...

Be true to yourself. That way happiness lies...

One hump or two?

 At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

Quiet day on the tractor
How the hell did you find that

For some reason that brought back to mind the cats that eat coffee beans then them out for people to brew up  Former Mod/Member, with the most post & Chicken George Arch nemesis

Kopi Luwak £50 a cup  p****d off with a Digital Keyboard Warrior

taztastic wrote:

How the hell did you find that

Try search Blonde Birds Short Skirts pictures

Googles image is good searching for "Giant Cheese Taco" Former Mod/Member, with the most post & Chicken George Arch nemesis

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to put them in the mail, he found a bill from the lawyer.  ...

Be true to yourself. That way happiness lies...

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
2. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
3. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”
4. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
5. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
6. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
7. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
8. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
9. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
10. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
11. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
12. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
13. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
14. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
15. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.



... ...

Be true to yourself. That way happiness lies...

ATTORNEY : This serious weakness affects your memory?
WITNESS: Yes
LAWYER : In what way it affects your memory?
WITNESS: I forget
LAWYER : You forget? Could you give us an example of something that you've forgotten ?

..........................................

ATTORNEY : Doctor, is it true that if a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't realize this until the next morning ?
THE WITNESS : It's true that you really have passed the bar exam ?

.............................................

LAWYER : The younger son, the twenty years one, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ...

............................................

ATTORNEY : Were you present when he took your picture ?
THE WITNESS : You're kidding?

.............................................

ATTORNEY : So the date of baby's conception was 8 August ?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing in that day?
WITNESS: What do you think ?

.................................................

ATTORNEY : She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY : How many of them were boys ?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY : Were any of the children girls ?
WITNESS: Your Honor , I think I need a different attorney. Can I take another attorney ?

...................................................

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage ended ?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY : And by whose death ended ?
WITNESS: Try to guess !

......................................................

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual ?
WITNESS: About average height and wore a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was a man or a woman?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was somewhere in town, I'd go with the man !

........................................................

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many autopsies do you performed in which the patients were ​​dead people ?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones struggle too much!

.......................................................

ATTORNEY : Do you remember what time you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started at 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Smith was dead at the time ?
WITNESS: If he wasn't, it certainly was until I finished the autopsy !

......................................................

ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give an urine sample ?
WITNESS: But you 're really qualified to ask questions ?

.........................................................

ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you did the autopsy, did you look to see if he still had a pulse?
WITNESS : No
ATTORNEY : Did you check the blood pressure ?
WITNESS : No
ATTORNEY : Did you check the breathing ?
WITNESS : No
ATTORNEY : So it's possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No
ATTORNEY : How can you be sure Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk tray
ATTORNEY : I see, but could the patient be still alive, in spite of this ?
WITNESS: Yes, it might have been alive and practicing law !

Stolen from Disco4



sex toy

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that." p****d off with a Digital Keyboard Warrior

Saw it earlier.