A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them. A married alien couple walked out and said, ''Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet.''
So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It was very similar to the way the aliens did it. The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night.
When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his ''thing.'' The alien looked down and said, ''Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.'' And he hit his head twice and ''it'' grew at least two feet. The woman said ''Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to.'' So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sex of their lives.
The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, ''How was it?''
The wife replied, ''Great!''
The man said, ''Well, for some strange reason thealien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, 'It's broken! It's broken!'''

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a in the
kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.

Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and
suddenly this . . . Why ??"

She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean
my teeth than get the mop out again!!"


Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the
honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . I'm a bit worried about taking it
up the arse !!"

 2013 RR Evoque Pure Tech
2012 TD4 GS Auto Orkney Grey - gone

....


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-22334530






... ...

Be true to yourself. That way happiness lies...

That was soooo painful and hilarious to watch, I was even telling her to "TURN THE BLOODY WHEEL THE OTHER WAY". She was pretty well positioned the very first attempt but just couldn't grasp the wheel direction

Ive known a few folk who dont know which way the front wheels are facing without actually getting out and having a look goodness knows how they passed a driving test?

Now for those people a FL2 would be ideal. EY's tip of the day

Put the 'Terrain Response' into mud and ruts and see the wheel direction on the dash display

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scooted
back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she
always tries to eat the bird.

My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my
wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the
night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon, saying
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to
keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs
and threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not in the vegetable
garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening. Another member of the failed FL2 clutch/DMF club, twice.

Looks like Stuart Hall could be sent down for 5 years.
Twice as long if the judge plays his joker............ Another member of the failed FL2 clutch/DMF club, twice.

According to an article in the Telegraph there's a saying in ZA along the lines of:

If you want to get out into the bush, get a Land Rover. If you want to make it back again, get a Toyota!

Pegleg wrote:

Looks like Stuart Hall could be sent down for 5 years.
Twice as long if the judge plays his joker............

...

BARRISTER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
BARRISTER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
BARRISTER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
BARRISTER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
BARRISTER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
BARRISTER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

...  ...

Be true to yourself. That way happiness lies...

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome... So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser... " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Good luck on this trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who the FU CK did your hair?" Past: FL2 TD4 HSE Auto
Evoque SD4 Dynamic Lux Auto
Present: Audi A3 S Line.