Whats the difference between a woman and a battery..


A battery has a positive side

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next s t could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault, I should have taken them off.

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, soldier on.

A wife walks up to her newly married husband. "I'm now your wife" she says.
Her husband has a wry smile and says "you do know what wife stands for don't you?
Before she could answer he tells her. W.I.F.E, Washing, Ironing, Food and Entertainment.

This could happen to you!

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other toilet saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the public toilet but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them,
'No..I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's some idiot in the next toilet who keeps joining in our conversion.'
Mobile phones, don't you just love them!

I thought my tesco burger had been cooked on a george foreman grill turns out they were marks from the jockeys whip


So everyone's moaning about tesco burgers well they should try the value meatballs !! There the dogs


I've found it tough lately working on the Tesco meat counter....
I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.


I was in the cafe at Tesco when the waitress asked if I wanted anything on my burger. So I said 'a fiver each way'.

I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my fridge ...and they're off.

 John
07 HSE Narvick Black
Land Rover Series One
Triumph Rocket 111 (sadly gone!)

Had a burger this afternoon, had the trots since.....

Couldn't get the bit from between my teeth.....

They reckon their meatballs are the dogs b*llocks.....

burgers should be part of a stable diet

these jokes have gone on furlong enough

neigh, they`ve only just started

Tesco burgers are the mane filling for a quick snack to have on the hoof

Didn't see the sell by date - And They r OFF!!!

Went and bought a burger this morning, the chap said "do you want anything on it" I said yes give me a fiver each way!!

Can't believe Tesco have got rid of all their burgers, ill have to make do with this 6ft chicken drumstick instead.

I'm starting to worry about Baxters Cock a Leaky soup

Put it into a plastic container so it doesn't leak................. Ours - 2008 Stornoway Grey HSE Auto
Tricia's - 2006 Royal Blue Beetle Cabriolet Auto
Mine - 2014 Vespa GTS 300 Super Sport Matt Black
Ours - 2007 White Bailey Pageant Champagne

Teacher say's to the class "Today we're going to talk about the word 'contagious'. Who can give me a sentence with that word in it"?

Little Debbie say's "Please Miss, my cousin has chicken pox and my mummy say's I mustn't go near him because it's contagious".

"That's correct" the teacher says. "Anyone else"?

Little Stefanie say's "Please Miss, my cousin has measles and my Mummy says I mustn't go near him because that's contagious".

"Very good, anyone else".

Little Seamus says (in a heavy Irish accent) "Please Miss, Me and ma Da' were going out day other day and we saw moi neighbour up a ladder painting his house".

"Bejesus", my dad said, "Would you look at dat. He's using a one-inch paintbrush to paint the front of dat house. That'll take the contagious".

Forget about horsemeat in your burgers...did we not ought to be more worried about this????

Click image to enlarge

My brother in law manages Tescos in Poland, so my kids made a little model for him

 At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race