Mary and her brother are making a snow man. The boy says:
- Go inside and bring a carrot...
- I'll get two, let's make him a nose too...



Every time the police stops me, I feel like Little Red Riding Hood:
- Why have wheels so big?
- Why have wheels so wide?
- Why it's so loud?
- Why did you film it black?
etc....



90% of a woman's body in a bikini is exposed to the sight.
But men are so decent ... that they'll look only to that 10% that's covered.



Dear Google! Please do not behave like my wife.
First let me finish my sentence and then you can give me advice and suggestions.
Thank you!



Women have usually two problems in life:
1. Why is no one looking at me? I'm really so unattractive?
2. Why is this idiot staring at me?

Last edited by alex_pescaru on 20th Nov 2012 1:26 pm. Edited 1 time in total

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to
buy a tie instead? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie.
I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and
that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that
hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Officer's Mess.
It has all the ice cold water you need.
Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped
... "They won't let me in without a f-------g tie!" John
07 HSE Narvick Black
Land Rover Series One
Triumph Rocket 111 (sadly gone!)

 John
07 HSE Narvick Black
Land Rover Series One
Triumph Rocket 111 (sadly gone!)

Breaking News: Kate Middleton has been rushed to hospital due to a ingrowing Heir making her sick




I'll get my coat

Her gynaecologists have washed their hands of the matter.

I'll get my coat too. Another member of the failed FL2 clutch/DMF club, twice.

I had always wanted a career in morse code. However it never happened.
All my hopes were dashed.

The other night I got a visit from the Grim Reaper.
I beat him back with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about dyson with death. .....

The wife says I keep muttering "The Hobbit. The Hobbit" during the night. I must be Tolkien in my sleep. 2013 RR Evoque Pure Tech
2012 TD4 GS Auto Orkney Grey - gone

Or your a frodosexual

was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards. .... Forwards then backwards. .... Back and forth... back and forth... In and out, in and out.... Her heart was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally exhausted she let out one almighty scream!!! "OK !... OK!... I CANT park the car! You do it you SMUG BASTARD !!!!

Night... Three o'clock...
Suddenly, my neighbor began to bang on my door with both fists.
I freaked out so hard that I've dropped the jackhammer of my hands!

Travellers version of the famous Dads Army sketch;

'Whistle why you work,
Hitler is a berk,
He's half barmy,
So's his Army
Whistle why you work'.

'Your name will also go on ze list. Vas is it?'

'Dont tell him Pikey'. Another member of the failed FL2 clutch/DMF club, twice.

I see a famous person who used to host 'Its a knockout' has been charged with sexual offences. He was charged with three counts in total. He said I've only done it twice. The police said they were using their joker.

Random Thoughts of an Idiot

IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ? John
07 HSE Narvick Black
Land Rover Series One
Triumph Rocket 111 (sadly gone!)

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon

walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?

25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still fuc*ing celebrating!!! John
07 HSE Narvick Black
Land Rover Series One
Triumph Rocket 111 (sadly gone!)

From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientele’s genuine complaints.


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

They walk amongst us and they vote!!! Be afraid! Be very afraid! John
07 HSE Narvick Black
Land Rover Series One
Triumph Rocket 111 (sadly gone!)