DID YOU KNOW ??
That if you remove a persons intestines
and then stretch them out end to end ....

You will eventualy be locked up in a
High Security Hospital for the
Criminaly Insane.


How many dead hookers can you fit into a garage ?
MMMMMMMMmmmmmmm
If i move the bicycles, I recon 2 more. My First Fl2 and it is a 2010 GS Auto in Grey
with Nice Leather and the Stereo
even has headphone sockets in the back.
Wish it had a heated screen tho..
Traded in a Fl1 for this.
Got a georgous Black SoftTailed Harley
for when the days get warmer .. Do days ever get warmer in Lancashire?

Credit Crunch. . . The married version. . . . . . . .

Husband & wife at Asda, he puts a box Stella in trolley.

Wife: "What you think you are doing "?

Husband: "Its on offer, £10 for 24 cans"

Wife: "Put em back we can't afford it"

A few aisles on wife picks up £20 jar of face cream & puts it in trolley.

Husband: "What you doing"?

Wife: "It makes my face look beautiful" 


Husband:  " So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the price..

A guy is arrested and taken to the police station because he had sold the elixir of immortality.
The police later found out that the individual was not only fooling people, but it's also a recidivist and was arrested for the same cause in 1690, 1788, 1818, 1922 and 2001 ...

I'll never forget how happy i was when i saw the missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me.

I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that **** trolley over here, they're doing three cases of Beer for the price of two. At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

A man sees a very unusual funeral procession crossing the street.
A large black coffin was followed at a short distance by another big black coffin.
Behind the second coffin a solitary man is walking with a huge pit bull dog kept on a leash.
Behind them about 200 sad men are walking.
The viewer could not master his curiosity and he approached the man who led the dog and asked:
- Sir, I know that is a very bad time to disturb you, but what happened? Whose funeral is this?
The man replied:
- Well, first coffin is my wife.
- What happened?
- My dog attacked and killed her.
- And who is in the second coffin?
- My mother in law. She tried to help my wife, but the dog rushed and killed her too.
A solemn moment of silence is passing between the two men.
- Sir, may I ask you to loan me your dog?
- Sure ... go and sit in the line behind me...

Last edited by alex_pescaru on 10th Feb 2012 5:39 pm. Edited 1 time in total

My local radio station is giving away either a £100 shopping voucher or tickets to see an Elvis Presley tribute band. I'm not sure if I should press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.....

mcphersonstrut wrote:

My local radio station is giving away either a £100 shopping voucher or tickets to see an Elvis Presley tribute band. I'm not sure if I should press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.....

Oh dear that was bad

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."
"What's the bad news?", asks Ole
"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't in your eye."

A member from Freel2.com is driving down a country road near the A1, when he spots CG standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that CG is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to CG and asks him, "Eh up CG, but what are you doing?" CG replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

ManU

A bloke goes to put his wife's death in the local paper, and they tell him it's £1 a word. He only has £4 on him so he says ''Margaret Smith is dead''. The people at the paper take pity on him and tell him he can have another four words free. He said thanks and put in ''Margaret Smith is dead, Nissan Micra for Sale''

Edit: EY

EY Nearly as bad as Mr Struts


McP That's mor e liken it

conjunctivitis.com

A site for sore eyes  Ours - 2008 Stornoway Grey HSE Auto
Tricia's - 2006 Royal Blue Beetle Cabriolet Auto
Mine - 2014 Vespa GTS 300 Super Sport Matt Black
Ours - 2007 White Bailey Pageant Champagne

An man goes to a doctor for some problems with his dick.
- How's pìssing? the doctor asks.
- Drop by drop...
- And sex life?
- Disaster...
- Well, the doctor says, I have for you a good news/bad news scenario... The good news is that I can perform a little surgery and replace it and the bad one is that I don't have a human one. I just have an baby elephant trunk...
- And all will be OK?
- No problem. It's perfect compatible.
After some thinking the man decides to undergo the surgery.
A few weeks later, the man stands in front of the doctor for a check-up.
- Well, how is pìssing now?
- Like a hidrant!
- And the sex life?
- Excelent, my wife is in heaven and thanks you!
- Any other problems?
- Well, there is one... From time to time, when I walk in the park, it tears up some grass and stuff it in my ass...

EYorkshire wrote:

A member from Freel2.com is driving down a country road near the A1, when he spots CG standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that CG is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to CG and asks him, "Eh up CG, but what are you doing?" CG replies, "get off my laaaaand" "How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"off you go you bleeding towny and dont come baccccckkkk."

 At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the pharmacist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week." At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race