An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

taztastic wrote:

I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes

Smart dog!

I bumped into a Dutchman today and I noticed his shoes had built-in sat nav. I thought to myself, clever clogs!'

THE LAST BASTIONS OF MALE SUPREMACY
>
>
>
> MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
>
> A new sign in the Bank reads:
>
> 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash
> machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
>
> Customers using this new facility are
>
> requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their
> accounts.
>
> After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
> developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
>
> *******************************
>
> MALE PROCEDURE:
>
> 1... Drive up to the cash machine.
>
> 2. LOWER your car window.
>
> 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
>
> 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
>
> 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
>
> 6. Raise window.
>
> 7. Drive off.
>
> ************************* ******
>
> FEMALE PROCEDURE:
>
> (Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)
>
> 1. Drive up to cash machine.
>
> 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
> the machine.
>
> 3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
>
> 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
>
> 5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
>
> 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
>
> 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
> excessive distance from the car.
>
> 8. Insert card.
>
> 9. Re-insert card the right way.
>
> 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
> inside back page.
>
> 11. Enter PIN .
>
> 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
>
> 13. Enter amount of cash required.
>
> 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
>
> 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
>
> 16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
>
> 17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
>
> 18. Re-check makeup.
>
> 19. Drive forward 2 feet.
>
> 20. Reverse back to cash machine.
>
> 21. Retrieve card.
>
> 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
>
> holder, and place card into the slot provided!
>
> 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
>
> 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
>
> 25. Redial person on mobile phone.
>
> 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
>
> 27. Release Hand Brake. Another member of the failed FL2 clutch/DMF club, twice.

Four friends playing poker. On the table were cigarettes, cell phones, full ashtrays, etc.. At one point a phone rings. One answers:
- Yes ... Well dear, with some friends ... How about ... A fur? ... 2,000 pounds?... But isn't too much? ... Ah! It's natural ... Well buy it.
He closes the phone and plays more.
After a while, the phone rings again:
- Yes ... I've said before, with some friends ... You've found a car? How much? ... 20,000 pounds?!? Isn't too much? ... A, is a new ... Full-leather seats ... options ... Well, buy it.
He closes the phone and plays more.
A few tens of minutes later the phone rings again:
- Yes ... Still with some friends ... A man came home?? What house? What man? A. .. an agent .... How much ... 500,000 pounds?? Is too much ... It has 20 rooms ... 8 bathrooms ... Well, well, buy it. Bye.
The guy hangs up the phone and throws it on the table saying:
- Whose phone is this? It began to annoy me...

Car news

Breaking news for those that may be in the market for a new vehicle:

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault "Clio" and the Ford "Taurus" they have designed the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it, though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it each year. At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

chicken george wrote:

Car news

Breaking news for those that may be in the market for a new vehicle:

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault "Clio" and the Ford "Taurus" they have designed the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it, though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it each year.

and a sat nav that is NEVER wrong, only knows the way to the shops,and never directs the car to a petrol station At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

We love diagrams...

This will apply to most of you
A 60 year old man was working out in the gym when he caught site of a very attractive young girl....He asked the young trainer nearby "What machine in here could I use to impress that beautiful young girl over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and replied "Try the ATM cash machine in the entrance"

I had a new electronic garage door fitted last week. It's brilliant as it has the very latest technology "voice control". The engineer who fitted it tuned it to open specifically at the sound of my wife's voice. To be honest I haven't seen the bloody door shut yet.

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.
 
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
 
FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk
 
BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away.
 
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
 
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
 
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
 
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
 
THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.
 
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
 
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
 
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
 
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
 
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
 
SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.You charge the owners for storing them.
 
CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
 
INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
 
BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
 
IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.
 
AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
 

A guy, in a train.
In the same compartment, two young people, very in love.
Girl: - Baby, my neck hurts...
Boy: - Can I kiss you, my dear?
He kisses her on her neck.
Boy: - You still hurts, my dear?
Girl: - No, my love, thank you.
After some while.
Girl: - My darling, my little head hurts...
Boy: - May I kiss it, my dear?
He kisses her on her head.
Boy: - You still hurts, my dear?
Girl: - No, sweetheart, thank you.
After a while, the guy dares and ask the boy:
- Hey, listen, can you treat hemorrhoids as well?