Good news for insomniacs everwhere!

... only two more sleeps until Christmas! Freelander 1 TD4 HSE - gone, 2 weeks after the Cat.Converter!
Freelander 2 TD4 SE Auto MY08 - Santorini black

Just got back from friends funeral who drowned last week .I took a load of abuse for my floral tribute in the shape of a lifejacket, but as I told everyone at the service ,it's what he would have wanted !!!!

^

If these are repeats tough, I'm not going through 38 pages

The greatest invention in the world was the Venetian Blind!! Without them it would be curtains for all of us !!

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30 am this morning, can you believe that. 2.30 am? lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said 'I love you'. She said 'Is that you or the beer talking?' I replied ' It's me talking to the beer'.

 Historians have just found what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest man to have lived in Ireland. He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.

Last edited by hinchy on 26th Nov 2011 5:35 pm. Edited 1 time in total

In a port a sailor and a pirate are sitting at the bar and drinking whiskey.
At one moment, the sailor sees that the pirate has a hook instead of a hand, a wooden leg and a glass eye.
Curious the sailor asks:
- Where did you lost your leg?
- On a storm, I fell overboard and until the boys pulled me up, a shark bit my foot and I lost it!
- And I see your hook instead of a hand... How it happened?
- In a battle, an enemy cut my hand with an axe!
- And the eye?
- A bird flew over and shi.tted into my eye!
- Have you lost your eye to a simple sh.it?
- It was my first day with the hook!

At first I've thought that it is a humouristic group, but no...

chicken george wrote:

to correct your normally excellent English "Character"

CG to correct your usually 'spot on' answers - a 'karateka' is a person who trains in Karate.  2002 Honda VFR800
2002 Toyota Celica 140 Silver (mid life crisis - again!)
2007 FL2 GS Manual Army Reconnaissance Green + freel2.com sticker
2004 Toyota Celica 140 Black - Gone
2000 Toyota Celica 140 Silver - Gone
1998 Toyota Celica ST Pearl Green - Gone
1996 Nissan Primera 1.6 - Gone
1994 Rover Montego 1.6 Auto - Gone

A Muslim dies and by some error in handling ends up in heaven.
 
 
He`s stopped at the Pearly  Gates by St-Peter who says sorry, but we don`t
allow Muslims into Heaven.

   What? replies the Muslim, and why Not?
 
   Well, we just don`t !!
 
   The Muslim complains and carries on until St-Peter gets fed up.
 
   Well, says St-Peter--have you ever done anything good in your life?
 
   Ummm--the Muslim replies. Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the
street
   collecting for a children`s charity so I gave her ten pounds. Last week I
   donated ten pounds to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a
tramp
   asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten pounds too!
 
  Alrighty then says St-Peter--wait here and I'll have a quick word with
God.
 
   Five minutes later St-Peter returns and says to the Muslim.
 
   Listen, I`ve spoken with God and he agrees with me---

 
   Here`s your 30 quid back, now off!!!
 

A muslim turns up at the pearly gates,
Saint Peter opens the gates and shouts "God your taxi is here"

Reports in the press that said George Micheal is suffering with pneumonia have been dissmissed by his agent saying that he is actually suffering from bird flu having kissed a cockatoo. Andy

simont wrote:

chicken george wrote:

to correct your normally excellent English "Character"

CG to correct your usually 'spot on' answers - a 'karateka' is a person who trains in Karate.

cripes your right, apologies all round  At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

chicken george wrote:

simont wrote:

chicken george wrote:

to correct your normally excellent English "Character"

CG to correct your usually 'spot on' answers - a 'karateka' is a person who trains in Karate.

cripes your right, apologies all round

Just to add I'm an 'Aikidoka' - I'll leave that one for you to find out

And it's nothing to do with self-build furniture  2002 Honda VFR800
2002 Toyota Celica 140 Silver (mid life crisis - again!)
2007 FL2 GS Manual Army Reconnaissance Green + freel2.com sticker
2004 Toyota Celica 140 Black - Gone
2000 Toyota Celica 140 Silver - Gone
1998 Toyota Celica ST Pearl Green - Gone
1996 Nissan Primera 1.6 - Gone
1994 Rover Montego 1.6 Auto - Gone

It means you shop in one of those budget supermarkets  At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

chicken george wrote:

It means you shop in one of those budget supermarkets

Patient: Is there any way to a longer life?
Doctor: Get married.
Patient: It will help?
Doctor: No, but the thought of a long life will never come again.

The child asks his father:
- Dad, why did you married mom?
His father turns to his wife:
- See, if even the child came to ask that...

Three guys die and end up at the gate of Heaven. St. Peter asks:
- How many times have you cheated on your wives?
- I never did in 30 years of marriage, responds first.
- Very good, look, here's a Mercedes, to walk through heaven.
- I only did it once in 40 years of marriage, says the second.
- It's not so serious to forgive. Here's an Vauxhall.
- I, about 10 times in 20 years of marriage, the third one answers.
- Oh, you've been bad. But because you were honest, here's a BMC Mini.
After some time, the three meet at a stop. The one with the Mercedes is crying.
- Why are you crying, man? What happened?
- Look ... My wife died yesterday ...
- So?
- And I saw her today in Heaven ... roller skating!