Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" "Well, here it comes." Andy

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
---------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were houting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
----------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."
------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please.".
--------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
-----------------------
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.
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The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

Iain

An angry woman calls her husband:
- Where the hell are you?
- My dear, you know that jewelry store where you saw that huge diamond ring? You told me that you love it and I told myself that someday I'll buy it to you....
The woman with a much softer voice:
- Oh ... my dear, yes I remember ...
- Well, .... I'm at the pub, cross the street.

nice one!

Carnival day. One guy, naked and painted in a dark-brown colour, gets into a taxi.
The driver looks surprised and then ask:
- Which is your disguise?
The guy shows him a cherry inside his mouth and tells him:
- I'm a chocolate candy with a cherry inside. And now drive fast to the street X. I'm late!
The driver starts, but at some point he had to stop suddenly and the guy is swallowing the cherry.
- F*ck! What have you done? Now, quickly, go to the next store and buy me a new cherry!
The driver protests a little, but then he goes and comes shortly after with a jar of marmalade.
- They don't have cherries!
- And now what?
- I can stick this into your ass and you can play the donut!

Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh .
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."




The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland .
It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland." At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

The most stupid karateka in history....
I don't know if it's funny or tragic or both...

to correct your normally excellent English "Character" At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

alex_pescaru wrote:

The most stupid karateka in history....
I don't know if it's funny or tragic or both...

A great example of nature trying its best to clean the gene pool  2002 Honda VFR800
2002 Toyota Celica 140 Silver (mid life crisis - again!)
2007 FL2 GS Manual Army Reconnaissance Green + freel2.com sticker
2004 Toyota Celica 140 Black - Gone
2000 Toyota Celica 140 Silver - Gone
1998 Toyota Celica ST Pearl Green - Gone
1996 Nissan Primera 1.6 - Gone
1994 Rover Montego 1.6 Auto - Gone

Some less funny ones for the more sensitive member



The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a


Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.


----oOo----

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Really, ..." says


Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
----oOo----

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume

she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

----oOo----


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
----oOo----

 I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at
the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified 
----oOo----

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
----oOo----
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
----oOo----
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....
----oOo----
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get
one cheaper off the web."
----oOo----
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
----oOo----
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
----oOo----
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
----oOo----
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver

was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."


----oOo----
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our
country?'

I like the "I thought to myself" type jokes.

Iain

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the fireplace.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
Two blondes walked into a building. You'd have thought one would have seen it.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.