A guy wants to buy a farm. After the farm tour, he finally sees some beehives.
- No, I don't want to buy this farm anymore. I'm afraid of bees.
- But the bees are good sir: they give honey, wax and propolis.
- No, no, because I'm afraid of bees.
- Look sir, let's make a bet: I tie you strip naked of one of the trees and if any bee bites you until tomorrow morning, I'll give you the farm for free.
The next morning the owner found him pale, tired, drained.
- What happened, did the bees bitten you?
- No.
- Then what?
- Man, that calf over there has no mother? Because he sucked me dry all night long.

Lady sat on the sofa when the phone starts to ring.....

Husky voiced Caller "Have you got a big hairy ?"

Lady "Yes, he's asleep on the sofa, would you like to speak to him".....

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No,
Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' Andy

@Dungenessbloke

You shouldn't make fun of unintelligent dwarves

"It's not big and it's not clever" 2002 Honda VFR800
2002 Toyota Celica 140 Silver (mid life crisis - again!)
2007 FL2 GS Manual Army Reconnaissance Green + freel2.com sticker
2004 Toyota Celica 140 Black - Gone
2000 Toyota Celica 140 Silver - Gone
1998 Toyota Celica ST Pearl Green - Gone
1996 Nissan Primera 1.6 - Gone
1994 Rover Montego 1.6 Auto - Gone

I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' the other day and I must say I was very pleased with the result. Those piranhas don't f#*! about.

A farmer goes to the fair to buy a young rooster. He chooses one and goes home.
At home, the new rooster doesn't waste time and jumps on the chickens.
The older one, knowing that his days are numbered, says:
- Son, I can see you are a better one, but give me a chance. Lets compete on a small run around the yard and if you can catch me in 5 laps, then the yard/chicks are yours.
The race begin and at one moment the farmer came and catches the new rooster and cut its throat.
- Damn, says the farmer, this is the forth gay rooster I am buying...

Commentators cock-ups:

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.' Andy

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta matches.....his little face lit up when he tried to walk. Andy

CG will like this one, it would normally read "Lancashire, A place were everyone matters"

Click image to enlarge

waste of a sign really, we all know it At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

THERE HAS BEEN A LOAD OF TEVES DVD RETUNED FAULTY BECAUSE (THAY WOULD NOT PLAY)  rainy-city
xs

bigalf1961 wrote:

THERE HAS BEEN A LOAD OF TEVES DVD RETUNED FAULTY BECAUSE (THAY WOULD NOT PLAY)

Reading your post makes me think it's true of Manchester too...  2002 Honda VFR800
2002 Toyota Celica 140 Silver (mid life crisis - again!)
2007 FL2 GS Manual Army Reconnaissance Green + freel2.com sticker
2004 Toyota Celica 140 Black - Gone
2000 Toyota Celica 140 Silver - Gone
1998 Toyota Celica ST Pearl Green - Gone
1996 Nissan Primera 1.6 - Gone
1994 Rover Montego 1.6 Auto - Gone

Waht goes .BEEP......BEEP......BEEP


The England Rugby Team open top bus reversing back into the garage

"Holy Cow" you should have said "Oh Dear"

Video clip of ram raid

 Former Mod/Member, with the most post & Chicken George Arch nemesis

Quit smoking, give up alcohol, switch to a healthy diet, stop eating late at night and in two weeks you'll lose 14 days!


Girls wear make-up, creams, perfumes and other stuff and they style their hair in the smallest detail.
The boys looked at them and say: Nice ass!