npinks wrote:

Oscar Pistorius is looking in to buying a new bathroom door, but his partner is dead against it

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ...

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week or so later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
A few days later they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?" ..

Then with the love and understanding that all long-married husbands possess, he replied, "Why don't you just leave the f - - - - ing car in the garage this time?"

Bill T. Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

Very funny. Don't know why it has to be Dublin though. There are enough dumb****s in this country to choose from! 2013 RR Evoque Pure Tech
2012 TD4 GS Auto Orkney Grey - gone

The Irish one has gone down well at work Bill  LL.B (Hons) - University of Derby
LOT (Lord of Time) - University of Gallifrey

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up... At work
At home

"I can't always believe facts I read on the web" - Charles Dickens

winner by default of the tractor vs caravan race

 Another member of the failed FL2 clutch/DMF club, twice.

DILEMMA

One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”

He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.

Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?

 Sophie Alltoft

Send a paypal payment direct using this link www.paypal.me/duckworthparts

www.duckworthparts.co.uk
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Email: sophie.alltoft@duckworth.co.uk
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Can also supply OEM & Aftermarket parts

Dave wrote:

Aye, ya cannae beat the Scots

WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. the other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband watching TV. My car broke down about a mile down the way. I had to walk back to my house to get the help of my husband. when I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. My husband was having sex with our neighbour's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbors daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and told me that they had been having an affair for 6 months. He won't go to counseling and I am a wreck and need advice immediately.
Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Sheila.

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the hoses and vacuum pipes on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, then the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the engines.
I hope this helps,
John.