50 SHADES OF CHAV......

For those of you who have enjoyed 50 Shades of Grey......


“As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be hanging off the lampshade tonight” “ It was Wayne’s birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus pancakes and pot noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called the dogs of war. Where he took me from behind and played call of duty at the same time” “our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter that white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for “ I Love You” As I stood in line at the job centre thinking of reasons I couldn’t work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, BO and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Iceland. He had tied up his staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn’t be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same.” “My mum told me to leave Dwayne many times due to violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had **** his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up a power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ****. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again and again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi-on which is rare as crack normally played havoc with his erections.......................”

 
 
It’s amazing what happens when you like a bottle of red wine…….
 
Bottle of  Merlot

A man asked a waiter  to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman  sitting alone at a table in a cozy little  restaurant.

So the waiter took the  Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who  is seated over there'.... and indicated the sender with a nod  of his head.

She stared at the  wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then  decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was  lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and  conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note  read: 'For me to accept  this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a  million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your  pants'.


After reading the  note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He  folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to  deliver it to the lady.

It read: 
'Just to let you  know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a  Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo  in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over  twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But,  not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off  three inches. Just send the wine back..
 
 
 

I can do this.... Here, hold my Vodka...



And some door fun...

HAHAHAHHAHAHA Alex! Nice one mate, such a naked laugh lol, reminds me of this one...

&t=18s

My mate is at home when there is a knock on the door, He goes to the door, he has stockings on, high heel shoes a little mini skirt with a push you up bra, a face full of make-up and big hoop earrings, A joint in one hand and a whisky in the other. 
The gas man asks is your wife in..... 
To which he replies........... DOES IT F*** IN LOOK LIKE IT

I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the police woman she looked bloody gorgeous.Although things went sour when I said, "And that's not just the drink talking either."

hinchy wrote:

I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the police woman she looked bloody gorgeous.Although things went sour when I said, "And that's not just the drink talking either."

Iain

I'm on the new O2 mobile plan...Unlimited Smoke Signals, 250 Carrier Pigeons a month and Free Messages in a Bottle to other O2 customers

Very good nick

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she murmured… 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied................'Get your own f g blanket.'

The End ...

Be true to yourself. That way happiness lies...

I said to my wife....you remind me of the sea.......she said ..what u mean wild and romantic?.......i said no...you make me sick!

Sainsburys the thoughtful supermarket

Click image to enlarge

npinks wrote:

Sainsburys the thoughtful supermarket

Hmmm. Wonder what the batteries could be put to use in?  2013 RR Evoque Pure Tech
2012 TD4 GS Auto Orkney Grey - gone

The next row had tie wraps and gaffers tape above the books, not sure why though

A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"


Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact
Fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email
On his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.


He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.


Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"


"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.


"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter
Than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...



Now give me back my f******dog! Now: 2012 FL2 SD4 XS Orkney Grey
Previously: 2007 D3 TDV6 XS Tonga Green
Before that: 2003 FL1 TD4 "Kalahari" Black