Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% of the congregation held up their hands.

The Minister was a bit disappointed so he repeated his question. “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

Everyone responded this time by holding up their hands, except one small, elderly lady.

“Mrs. Neely, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” Asked the Minister.

“I don't have any.”' She replied, smiling sweetly.

The Minister asked “Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight.” she replied.

The minister was very impressed and said “Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?'”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said


“I've outlived the bastards.”


J

Jimboland wrote:

Me: What's the Wi-Fi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a beer.
Barman: Is Birra Moretti okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £4.
Me: There you go. So what's the Wi-Fi password?
Barman: you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase...


Nicked - from a bar somewhere.

J

Sex on Mars
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples re-join their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'


J

Make sure you are insured and choose what you want to be covered for.


SEX with your wife - Legal & General.com

SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust.com

SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability.com

SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union.com

SEX on the telephone - Direct line.com

SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy.com

SEX in a hurry - Insure & Go.com

SEX with a transvestite - confused?.com

SEX with someone different - Go compare.com

SEX with an animal - Compare the meerkat.com

SEX with a fat bird - More Than.com

SEX on the back seat - Sheila's Wheels.com

SEX with an O.A.P – SAGA.com

SEX with a posh bird - Privilege.com

SEX with a sheep – National Farmers Union.com

SEX with a woman from Glasgow after shooting her husband - Scottish Widows.com

SEX with your first cousin - Norwich Union.com


Is it worth six points on your licence, or some other points on your d***?


J

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you...

A man in a pub asked the barman "What is the WI-Fi password please" and the barman answered "You need to buy a drink first".

So the man replied "OK, I'll have a pint of best bitter". "OK" said the barman "Is Sheep Shagger OK?"

"That will be fine, no what's the password?" the man said.

The barman replied "you need to buy a drink first, no spaces, all lowercase".


J

There's a brilliant documentary on BBC2 about Covid,
Two Chinese guys from the Wuhan research centre where Trump suspects it was engineered were due to get on Malaysian flight MH370, It is thought that they were involved in the development of the virus and were intending to disperse it around the USA, The intelligence services discovered their plans and deliberately downed the plan, But sadly neither of them actually got on the flight.
It's really interesting, have a look for it on the iplayer it's called,
Two Wongs dont make a flight.

And I thought my joke was bad!

my brother and his wife watching a foreign subtitled film, when his wife said "could you turn the volume up"

. . . . . or make the font bigger

With thanks to Barry Cryer - man goes along to visit his mates in the old folks home. Asks mate 1, “what’s 2 plus 2” “that’s easy, 36”. Asks mate 2 the same question and he replies “Thursday”. Finally asked mate 3 who replied “4”. That’s brilliant he said, how did you get that? Easy replied mate 3, I added 36 to Thursday

Apparently during the lock down simple pastimes have become very popular, for example, interest in origami has increased tenfold. Landrover - turning owners into mechanics since 1948

2014 Orkney grey Freelander SD4 GS.
2004 Zambezi silver Discovery 2 Td5 (Gone)
1963 Surf blue Morris Mini Minor Super de Luxe (my little toy)

Heard about the one about the bipolar bear? One day it's grizzly, the next he's all - white

Doctor Doctor I think i'm going deaf !
What are the symptoms ?
A cartoon family on the telly !