Yorky Bob wrote:

Watch to the end and listen and learn.

Amazing just how much research those yanks do but they haven't progress since this was last posted on here in 2005!

But a good laugh anyway.

J

Winter laughs required.




 FL2 MY10 TD4 GS traded in at 2 years
FL2 MY13 TD4 GS Current

My kids keep taking the out of my Alzheimer’s, won’t be so funny on Christmas morning and there’s no eggs under the bonfire.  FL2 MY10 TD4 GS traded in at 2 years
FL2 MY13 TD4 GS Current

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are "I'm far too lazy to type the whole word"?'
The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada.'
The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada?'
The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'
The bartender says, 'A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Doyou drive a tixi?'
'No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals.'

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us".

(No Offence Intended.)

Bill Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

Q . Why can,t dyslexics tell jokes ?

A . Because they always punchup the fu*kline .

 
 

The inventor of the anagram has died.

May he erect a penis.

Bill Life Honorary Member of Wallasey Motor Club.
Licenced MSA Radio Operator for 35+ years.
Rallying is the only sport.

You know who you are  FL2 MY10 TD4 GS traded in at 2 years
FL2 MY13 TD4 GS Current

 Common sense isn't very common.
_______________________________
2007 Land Rover Freelander2 I6 hse Auto

A "spoonerism" is where sylables in a phrase or sentence get mixed up with perhaps the most well know being "Graise your a*ses to the queer old dean" was intended to be the toast "Raise your glasses to the dear old Queen" (Victoria) by the Reverend Donald Spooner, thus the word "Spoonerism" is credited to him.

However, there is evidence of far earlier sponnerisms as Robin Hood and his merry men of Sherwood Forest used to play a game where they spoonerised their names, so Robin Hood became Hobin Rood and Little John became Jittle Lohn. This was all great fun but Maid Marian was bored by it, that is until Friar Tuck arrived!


J

'Twas Christmas Day in the workhouse,
The merriest day of the year.
The paupers and the prisoners
Were all assembled there.

In came the Christmas pudding,
When a voice that shattered glass
Said, "We don't want your Christmas pudding
So stick it there with the rest of the unwanted presents".

The workhouse master then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said "Who wants the parson's nose”,
And the prisoners shouted "you have it yourself sir".

The vicar brought his bible
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
"This man gets on very well with everybody".

The workhouse mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrappers off
And began to wipe their eyes, which were full of tears.

The master rose to make a speech
But just before he started
The mistress, who was fifteen stone
Gave three loud cheers and nearly choked herself .

And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his paper hat and the man's next to him.

A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged gourmet called aloud
"This bread sauce tastes like it was made by a continental chef".

Mince pie with custard sauce was next
And each received a bit
One pauper said "The mince pie's nice
But the custard tastes like the bread sauce we had in the last verse!"

The mistress dishing out the food
Dropped custard down her front
She cried "Aren't I a silly girl"
And they answered "You're a perfect picture as always ma'am!"

"This pudding ", said the master
"It's solid, hard and thick
How am I going to cut it ?"
And a man cried "Use your penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle".

The mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said "What would you like to see ?"
And they cried "Let's see your conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching"

"Your reverence may I be excused ?"
Said one benign old chap
"I don't like conjuring tricks
I'd sooner have a carol or two around the fire".

So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
"Merry Christmas!" cried the master
And the inmates shouted "Best of luck to you as well sir !" Understeer when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower how fast you hit the wall.
Torque how far you take the wall with you.

(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.



(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.



(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.



(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!



(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)



(6)That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.



(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').



(8)Whatever:Is a woman's way of sayingF--YOU!



(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. Understeer when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
Oversteer when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
Horsepower how fast you hit the wall.
Torque how far you take the wall with you.

 Past: FL2 TD4 HSE Auto
Evoque SD4 Dynamic Lux Auto
Present: Audi A3 S Line.

 Updated- Waiting for a Scotland v England 6 Nations home win. 24th Feb 2018
Gone-1972 88 SWB Soft top
Gone-1981 24v FFR Lightweight
Gone-2009 Freelander 2 TD4 GS manual
Gone before it bankrupted me- 2008 Discovery 3 TDV6 Auto
2013 Freelander 2 SD4 GS Auto

That is a lovely poem,
sounds like a Christmas farce,
but if you don't like it
you can stick it up your double overhead camshaft.


J