Four beautiful young girls spent the holidays together at seaside, without their men.
During return, one of them, full of remorse, tells the others:
- I will tell my husband, how many times I was cheating on him....
Brunette: - What idiot!
Redhead: - What brave!
Blonde: - What memory!


A guy was near a lake, fishing.
In his right hand he helds the fishing rod, on the left one, a brick.
A curious girl passing by, wanted to find out what's about the brick.
The fisherman said that he will only explain if she will have sex with him.
They both understand and eventually, after, relaxed, the guy says:
- With the rod I got nothing this morning, but with the brick you are the third ...


A skydiving instructor makes a small session of training with a few beginners. One of them asks:
- And if neither the main chute nor the backup one opens, how long till I will hit the ground?
- The rest of your life!

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What crapp is this for God's sake?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had a hell of a job getting " England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Bloody hell Hardy, pass me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead." Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please." Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "Why not?" Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so bloody absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt -haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such . Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!" Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the kermit`s and the dago`s?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe that is now legal under the poof act of 2001 sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy....!"

Taz

After reading all that I expected so much more

Tried erotic suffocation on the wife the other night when we were having sex. She obviously didn't like it, she's been lying there for 5 days now giving me the silent treatment.

Man staggers into a Hospital with Concussion, Multiple Bruises, Two Black Eyes and a 5 Iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The Doctor asked
'What happened to you?'
Well I was playing golf with the wife when we both sliced our balls into a field of cows.
I found one stuck in a cows bum,
I yelled to my wife
'this looks like yours'
and I don't remember much after that!'......

Thats briliant Alex, off to find the other three now

Part 2 &feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

Part 3 &feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

part 5 &feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL Former Mod/Member, with the most post & Chicken George Arch nemesis

Dedication into Steve Wright love songs.

Can you please play a song for my girlfriend Shelly from Liverpool, we have been together since our school days, and in that time she has been a wonderful partner and a fantastic mum to our three children, please can you wish her a happy 17th birthday, from Damien

A married couple has an accident resulting in the woman's face to be badly burned.
The doctor tells her husband that he can not take skin from her body because it is too weak.
Therefore, the husband offered to donate the skin.
But the only part of the body that the doctor deems appropriate is the butt.
The two decide to not tell anyone from where they took the skin and have asked the doctor for secrecy too.
After the surgery, everyone wondered how beautiful she was and how young she looked.
One day the wife tells her husband:
- My dear, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. I do not know how I could ever make it up.
- Honey, answers him, stop thinking about it. I'm so happy when I see your mother kiss you on the cheek...

Italian cruise ship captain Francesco Schettino began his new job as a bus driver yesterday.........














[/b] John
07 HSE Narvick Black
Land Rover Series One
Triumph Rocket 111 (sadly gone!)

Been a Bad Day Today ..

Got Banned From B&Q and They Say They Are Gonna Prosicute Me.
I went in there to buy a new wood bit for my drill, and this old guy in an orange apron came up to me and said ..
DO YOU WANT DECKING ?
Well i thought he was a weirdo to be out in an apron anyway..and then threatening me....so remembering an old saying
DO UNTO OTHERS .. BUT DO IT FIRST
I HIT HIM.
that is when they called the police.



derryk My First Fl2 and it is a 2010 GS Auto in Grey
with Nice Leather and the Stereo
even has headphone sockets in the back.
Wish it had a heated screen tho..
Traded in a Fl1 for this.
Got a georgous Black SoftTailed Harley
for when the days get warmer .. Do days ever get warmer in Lancashire?

yes I've noticed a lot of old farts in orange aprons at our B&Q as well.

wonder if they build them near nursing homes ??

Iain

Don't knock the old farts at B&Q, thats my future career when inflation erodes my pension! JT Upgraded to an ex demo, 7 mth old, Rimini Red/Ebony Napoli Auto HSE on 28th Jan 2011, added roof rails, mudflaps and side strips.
Gone - A great 57 Plate, Auto SE, Bought Feb 2009, Roof Rails and Mudflaps added on purchase. Blue colour, anything but drug dealer black.....

It was going to be my career choice too , but how can I help these unfortunate deadheads now, knowing they will think of me as an old fart.