If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines
one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Brit walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Brits drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Brits get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British!!!

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."

The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water does naff all… it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...." Andy

What have Gaddafi and Freddie Mercury got in common?
They both died after some guy shot into their sewage pipe!!

Whats black with 2 broken arms. Colonel gaddafis sun glasses

- Waiter, what do you recommend for the coming wedding anniversary?
- It depends, sir, if you want to celebrate or to forget...

In front of the mirror, self admiring, the wife asks her husband:
- What do you like best about me: my face or my pretty awesome body?
- Your sense of humor!

Husband returs home and enters the kitchen.
- Chicken stew, again?
- Honey, you don't know what you want: you liked the stew on Monday, then likewise on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and suddenly on Friday, you don't like it...

- Do you have many lines to say in this play?
- No, I play the husband.

When Bikers Go To The Movies...

What's six inch long and not getting sucked tonight?





















Jimmy Saviles Cigar  Former Mod/Member, with the most post & Chicken George Arch nemesis

Went to bed with 2 Thai girls last night - it was like winning the lottery!

We had 6 matching balls.

A car hits a carriage towed by a horse. Following the accident the horse and the carriage driver were injured seriously enough. The policeman comes to the scene and saw the horse struggling for his life and, in a fit of mercy, shoots him. Then turning to the carriage's driver asks:
- And you are injured?
- No, no! God forbid, I haven't felt so good in a very long while....



The ideal husband is one who, when he found his wife in the bedroom with the lover says:
- Do not bother, continue!
The ideal lover is the one who can continue ...

A motorist touring the Highlands of Scotland has a puncture and is in the process of changing the wheel when a local happens by and tells him that he can get his tyre fixed in the next village by Mr McIntyre.
"Oh! that's good news," replied the motorist, "Where do I find this Mr McIntyre?"
"You cannae miss 'im," replies the local, "Last hoose on the left in the village, name's on t'gate."
After duly thanking the local the motorist sets of and presently comes into the next village and driving through searches the houses on the left for the name 'McIntyre'. Soon he comes to the last house on the left
but the name is there as bold as you like 'Dunlop'.
"There must be some mistake," thinks the motorist and turns round and pops into the village store where he retells his story to the assistant behind the counter.
"Och!! Don't you know? Dunlop's bin McIntyres for years!!!''

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls. LL.B (Hons) - University of Derby
LOT (Lord of Time) - University of Gallifrey

A boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his client:
- This is the stupid child in the world. Watch while I'll prove it.
The barber puts a $1 bill in one hand and two coins of 25 cents on the other hand, then calls the boy and asks:
- What do you choose, boy?
The boy takes the two 25 cents coins and leave.
- What did I say?, says the barber. This child is the worst in the world.
Later, when the customer leaves the barber, he sees the same boy leaving the store where they sell ice cream.
- Hey, son! Can I ask you a question? Why do you got the 2 coins instead of the $1 bill?
The boy, licking the ice cream, replies:
- In the day I would take the dollar, this game would end!

Two vampires are repairing a motorcycle.
- Give me the screwdriver, says one of them.
- Take it.
- Aiiiiiigghhhhh! Not the one with the phillips head, you idiot!